Played Out: Uncharted 3: Sonic's Deception?

About a month ago I served my American duty and took advantage of a buy-2-get-1 free offer at Target, with the main target of this patriotic venture being Uncharted 3. The new Batman game was my high #2, and the third was a toss-up until I got to the store. A myriad of new sports games shone at me from the shelves, offering countless hours of entertainment... hours that ultimately turned me away. I simply don’t believe I’m currently in a place where I should be giving video games in general that many hours, so I turned to the hedgehog instead.

That’s right. Despite my recent posts attacking Sega for its complete obliteration of the Sonic series and collateral disillusionment of sexy animal fanfic, I bought the new Sonic Generations. What can I say? The demo convinced me that it would offer something a Sonic game hadn’t offered in a while – a legitimate, tight platformer; and, most importantly, one with minimal story.

I did get stuck with some crappy scenes about Sonic and his friends having a picnic, but otherwise the decision has proven to be one of my best. Note: I make a LOT of good decisions (I ate broccoli tonight). I’ve ended up dedicating a ton of time to this game –- not sports game time but still life-dying time -- , and mostly enjoyed myself doing so. It’s meant to serve as a celebration of Sonic’s 20 years, and there’s a lot of good nostalgia to be had, with every stage an iteration of a previous one, the ability to play old chiptunes over the new, and those sweet red sneakers. Some areas are still messy, with bizarre deaths punishing you for straying even an inch off the directed path, the controls still feel a bit heavier than they did way back in the original Sonic, and the final boss is absolute garbage; yet this appears to at least be the beginning of the evolution that always should’ve happened.

Window dressing. That’s the evolution. Beautiful, relevant, rewarding window dressing that serves to elevate the same gameplay that worked twenty years ago.

On the opposite side, we have Uncharted 3. Oh, I finished the game in three days and generally had a decent time, but this former the apple of my eye far too often succeeded primarily in demonstrating what happens when all the window dressing of so many modern games fades away. What remains is a semi-interactive experience far more dependent on entertaining you through its storytelling than its mechanics.

I didn’t love this new Nathan Drake adventure – it’s all becoming a bit too National Treasure for me, where the characters simply bounce unbelievable historical revelations off each other until they figure out the next place to go – but riding through the amazing set pieces Uncharted delivers is still a treat. Unfortunately, the main attraction is so finely produced that every inadvertent death is a literary disaster, completely removing the player from the adventure as they restart from a checkpoint and try to determine where they should have run slightly left instead of slightly right. In Sonic, everything is very obviously a game, and your remaining life cache is proudly displayed in the corner of the screen. Uncharted has the burden of offering the opportunity for failure without disintegrating the illusion of verisimilitude, and I just don’t think they know how to do it.

Whereas the original Uncharted was a decent Tomb Raider clone – supernatural craziness and all – I feel the series has progressed past the polish of Uncharted 2 and into a zone where the series' primary gameplay mechanic weighs down the game. As confessed by its multiplayer, this game wants to be a shooter, yet every battle ends up a bothersome interruption. I won’t get into the control problems I had this time around, as the developer has already released a huge aiming patch in response to user feedback. However, as I did get myself constantly killed, I found myself exasperated at the logic behind what was happening onscreen. Where are all these enemies coming from? Why do they keep coming? Why is the insane number of guys I’m killing never addressed in a story that still seems to accept a premise that every life is sacred?

I don’t know if this is any more of an issue than it was in previous games or than it is in any product of the James Bond archetype, but the more I had to replay the same shootouts, the more I realized just how silly it all was. And unlike Sonic, silly in Uncharted feels wrong.

There's no grand conclusion to make beyond my own bafflement in preferring one to the other. There's also no grand conclusion to make because I'm going to play the new Zelda now. It's one of those great decisions I make, in absentia of real decisions. Note: I'm going to drink some apple juice, too.

Blogulator Radio 34: Thanksgiving Leftovers (Turkey Scraps)

Download/Listen to the newest episode here. Don't just take Mitch and Gail Leery's respective plunging necklines and gigantic hair's word for it.

In this week’s tryptophan-induced episode of Blogulator Radio, Qualler and Brigitte re-hash the oodles and oodles of television they watched over Thanksgiving break. (Who uses the term “oodles and oodles”? Apparently we do.) Before they do that, though, they catch you up on the latest in television news in a “What’s New……….s” segment, where they discuss the imminent danger cult faves Community and Cougar Town face by their respective networks, discuss the long-rumored-and-now-possibly-actually-true-cuz-there’s-a-press-release-attached-to-it new season of Arrested Development. They also preemptively put some new shows into Development Heaven / Hell, including the Untitled Sarah Silverman Sitcom on NBC, and Touch starring Kiefer “The Kief” Sutherland and run by Tim “Heroes Totally Petered Out After Its First Season” Kring. In the meantime, they talk about what they caught of the new ABC Wednesday Comedy lineup, the truly bizarre A Very Gaga Thanksgiving, the Woody Allen documentary on PBS’s American Masters, and all the Cheers, Law & Order: SVU and The Vampire Diaries catch-up you could possibly handle. So yes, oodles and oodles of television.

Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.

For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.

Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter and your Google+, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com. 

Qualler's Blogulator Thanksgiving

I feel about Thanksgiving the way Brigitte feels about Halloween: pure, unrepentant, almost-bordering-on-evil joy. What ISN'T there to love about Thanksgiving?! Let's see -- it's the only holiday that pretty much requires people to stay at home. You get two paid days of work off for it. There are football games on TV. There are road races to be run. And, there is FOOD SO MUCH FOOD AND TURKEY IS DELICIOUS. And the holiday even encourages naps! Amazing. You're the best, Thanksgiving.

And, like Chris & Jerksica did for this week's Blogulator Radio, it's a time to give either sincere (or spitefully sincere) thanks to the people, places and things that make your life so full of thanks. And we here at The Blogulator have had a long and rich tradition of being thankful for things in pop culture. Here are the pop cultural things that I am most thankful for in 2011.

Music! 
R.E.M. 1982-2011.
Oh, R.E..M. My favorite band of all time, the band that most inspired me and moved me and made me dance. I am grateful and thankful for your long and storied career. You had your ups and your downs, but you fought through all of them to just be who you are. And when you decided it was time to quit, you unrepentantly quit, with no apologies and no winks that, maybe, just maybe, they'd be back for a reunion tour to line their pockets. In recent interviews, Mike Mills commented on the fact that they knew going in that this year's Collapse Into Now would be their last, and recently re-listening to it, it makes all the more sense. Thanks. R.E.M.

Movies!
Longevity For Old Guy Movie Directors (like Werner Herzog and Woody Allen)
It's not always great when old guys keep directing movies forever. But, we can be grateful for the constant quantity of work that gets produced by some directors. (Hey Paul Thomas Anderson, you could maybe learn a lesson here. Don't give me this "Wah, nobody will finance my movies" BS. You need to produce films. It's okay if they're not totally perfect. Just produce anything at all, ever. You were supposed to be our generation's Scorsese, and instead Scorsese is our generation's Scorsese.) And like clockwork, we can expect an annual film in the local arthouse movie theater by Werner Herzog and by Woody Allen. Herzog's most recent documentary Into the Abyss is a typically hypnotic, thoughtful, beautiful and tragic look at death row inmates. And PBS's recent Woody Allen documentary on American Masters is a fascinating, rare look inside Mr. Allen's personal life and his filmmaking process. Dammit, even Terrance (Terry is what I call him 'cuz we're buds) Malick is churning out work like crazy these days. Quantity over quality! It's the Thanksgiving way!

Television!
Teen Dramas
I admit that I'm on a bit of a teen drama kick. Revenge, though it's not technically a teen drama, kind of follows teen drama tropes, is my favorite new drama of the Fall (haven't seen Homeland yet, though! Somebody Showtime me!) Catching up on The Vampire Diaries is pretty amazing, and I admit I am totally finding Elena a very attractive lady. And who knew Ian Somerhalter was such a showstopper? Most importantly, I have finally started to watch Brigitte's Dawson's Creek DVDs from the beginning, and that first season is a solid B/B+, with nary a scent of the intense schmaltz that occurs in later seasons that gave me such a gross feeling about the show. The transition from self-doubting Joey Potter to bland Joey Potter from season one to season two is an extremely disappointing one, but Joey Potter season one might be making my proverbial Top 10 TV Characters list after seeing her entire arc in that first season.

Video Games!
NBA 2K11's MyPlayer Mode
I'm extremely sad about the NBA season being locked out with a possibility that I will have to wait until next Fall to see Ricky Rubio toss alley-oops to Derrick Williams and Rick Adelman grumpily pointing at players while that crazy guy who has courtside tickets at Target Center hits the court with his newspaper. But, it's sorta a'ight since I just finished my rookie season as the eventual starting PG for the New York Knicks. Amar'e Stoudemire is a point guard's dream teammate, what with the sweet inside-outside game the two of us have together. (Dude gets double-teamed, tosses it back out to me on the perimeter, and hits the three pointer like WHOA.) Plus, in real life, Amar'e is a total hipster. And I wear a headband and look like a total hipster on the court, so we're buds. Video game friendship is much stronger than any real life NBA lockout could ever be.

Friends!
Seriously, guys, my friends are the best. From the IRL friends who have written on The Blogulator with me since 2005(!!!), to the Twitter friends I have made, to all the other cool people who do cool stuff, I am thankful. Here are some of the Blogulator posts of Thanksgivings past.


"Today We Give Thanks to the Biopic In A Way Similar To How The Pilgrims Thanked The Injuns" -Chris, Thanksgiving 2005

"...And Music Is My Mashed Potato" -Chris, Thanksgiving 2006

"Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Thanksgiving Edition)" -Lady Amy, Thanksgiving 2008


Pop culture is fun, y'all. Sometimes bad stuff happens in pop culture, like the potential cancellation of Comunity and Cougar Town. But sometimes, pop culture can bring us good stuff. Let us all give thanks to the thankful things we have to be thankful for.

Now, eat some turkey and go to see the Muppets movie.

The Luxe by Anna Godberson

I don't like to think of myself as a book snob, but, like most of the things I don't like to think of myself as but often do, I am one. I try really, really hard not to be, because for many years it has been my position that there's no such thing as a "guilty pleasure", or at the very least there shouldn't be, and that I'm proud of everything I read/watch/listen to (hello, I'm probably the only person on God's green goodness who is very open about loving Hanson, don't get me started). I just believe in sincere and earnest enjoyment of things and have no interest in ironic entertainment--it sounds like a lot of work.

But I have prejudices. I can't pretend I don't. And ever since I even heard of The Luxe I've been like, absolutely not. It's a packaged book, and I'm not such a huge fan of book packaging, and the Gossip Girl meets Age of Innocence comparison makes me want to jump off the goddamn roof because GOSSIP GIRL and EDITH WHARTON in the SAME SENTENCE SHUT UP PLEASE. And then there's the highly commercial cover, which I just took offense to on principle; what, you think you're going to make a teenage girl pick this book up just by putting a pretty dress on the cover? (Answer: yes. Also: it works. In addition: What a pretty dress.)

So I was pretty surprised/horrified to discover that The Luxe is exactly that: Gossip Girl meets Age of Innocence. And also, it does what it sets out to do (be Gossip Girl meets Age of Innocence) so incredibly well that I actually found it frustrating I hadn't thought of this idea myself. Although, let's be honest, the book has a pretty nonsensical title.

The Luxe begins with a funeral, the funeral of teen socialite Elizabeth Holland, who plunged to her death from her buddy Penelope's carriage into the icy cold waters of the Hudson River (?? but just go with it). In attendance is the whole of turn of the century New York high society, because Elizabeth is the beloved eldest daughter of the Holland family, but two people are particularly conspicuous: Elizabeth's fiance, Henry Schoonmaker, and her sister, Diana. Henry, because he doesn't seem that bereaved though ostensibly Elizabeth was the love of his life, and Diana because she's smiling. Wait, what? I know. It gets good.

Then the book flashes back to months before, and as the secrets behind Elizabeth's disappearance begin to unravel (because they never did find her body) and all the young gossip guys rotate through the bedrooms of all the young gossip girls, things start to get AWESOME. Secret trysts abound, schemes are hatched, guilt trips are laid, people are laid, and then people are killed. It's GREAT. The period detail is also pretty good, all things considered, but the book is still way accessible without feeling like it was written for idiots, all the characters are fairly sympathetic in their ways, and if I hadn't cheated and read the descriptions of the rest of the books in the series on Wikipedia I would actually want to continue (let's just suffice to say I'm annoyed by what happens to some of my favorite couples and I just won't put myself through that).

Anyway, HIGHLY recommended. I wouldn't even really call it fluff, because the historical detail, the pacing, and the deftly handled multiple POVs make it good, engaging fun. It's good that I read this, and loved it, because sometimes my snobbery needs a beat down, just like everybody' else's.

Blogulator Episode 33 - "(Kind of) Thankful"

Download/stream the latest episode of Blogulator Radio here
via the Fancy Pants Gangsters netcast network!

This week, which features Turkey Day right around the bend, Chris and Jerksica thought about doing what Qualler and Brigitte did a few weeks ago with the Halloween episode and talk about famous Thanksgiving episodes, but they failed to remember a lot of the ones the Internet suggested to them. So instead you get 40-odd minutes of the married couple discussing what they’re thankful for on TV nowadays. It’s quite a challenge for a couple of complainers, but they make it work…kind of. Unfortunately around the 15-minute mark they start sliding effortlessly back into criticizing territory. So, to keep in theme with the holidays, you get some thanks, some shows/tropes/annoying things on TV they would classify as “a real turkey,” and a questionable amount of rambling about the cast of the 1995 teen comedy Clueless. Enjoy your awkward/bitter/humorous family gatherings, everyone!

Web savvy? Of course you are. So…we have this Google+ page now. Just putting that out there. Thought you’d enjoy it.

Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.

For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.

Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter and your Google+, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com. We also invite you to check out our non-audio version at TheBlogulator.com for more than just TV talk.

Chatnip

Here's an episode from a chatting-style show I do with my friend Ryan. You can find us on YouTube. We chat about silly things. Enjoy.

TV Shows I Have Questions About

So before Jerksica and I once again babble on about various TV-related things on another episode of Blogulator Radio next week, I'd like to ask some questions about TV I've watched recently. You are welcome to answer them, because I sure as hell don't have any answers. Won't you join me?

Regarding Pan Am on ABC:

Are you still a show? I think you are because I watch you, but then how come I forget all about you for weeks at a time and then overdose on your Spielbergian fluff for too many episodes in a row?

Dearest Christina Ricci, do you know you're doing that with your face and voice? You're quite a good actress, and maybe this is you being hammy on purpose for the tone and sheen of the show, but why must you distract and practically take me out of the world of these characters with your jarringly fizzy take on "the female Gatsby" as whatever-your-character's-name-is so calls herself?

Have you heard of this show called The Hour? Did you know they actually know how to do both a spy story and a character study at the same time, unlike you, who's constantly determined to oscillate between romance and intrigue like they're two different shows?

Regarding American Horror Story on FX:

Why should I care about the ghosts as characters, who often have their own scenes and story arcs apart from the more central, alive, and human characters?

How come, if I am so sure that I can in no way identify with someone who is dead, the cray-cray occurrences just keep reeling me in episode after episode regardless of actual sense-making?

Why is Dylan McDermot so incredibly distraught when he's around very human, very alive characters such as his wife, but when his mistress that he just buried underneath a gazebo coughs up blood in his basement, he's just like, "would you please leave, nice lady?"

Regarding The Hour on BBC America:

How is it that I've managed to watch semi-periodically one mediocre Mad Men rip off (Pan Am) and at least 1.75 episodes of one really terrible Mad Men rip off (The Playboy Club) but have missed the one actually really good Mad Men rip off (the show in question)?

Am I really that predictable that any actress that even remotely looks like Jodie Foster automatically causes my wife to glare at me from across the couch due to my gushing and new-celebrity-crushing?

Why can't TV music be this distinctive, evocative, and just plain good on every drama?


Regarding Once Upon a Time on ABC:

I think I can tell some Losties work on your set and/or in your writers' room, but did you happen to neuter them before they started churning out scripts? Or did I just never really accept the fact that the expository dialogue regarding the mythology of that show was equally as heavy-handed?

Do you know how silly it is to have grown adults portraying fairy tale princes and princesses in a program that's too involving to be rewarding for kids, and therefore must only be targeted to young and full-on adults? Cuz it is, really.

Can you tell me why it is, then, that despite my constant flirtations with ralphing all over my family room while viewing myself from outside of myself watching a show about fairy tale characters stuck in real life with twinkly music in the background, that I still kinda wanna watch more episodes?

Regarding Work of Art: The Next Great Artist on Bravo:

Actually, you know what? No questions. Keep on doing what you do.

Blogulator Radio Episode 32 - New Newness

 Download/stream the latest episode of Blogulator Radio
right here via the Fancy Pants Gangsters netcast network!

Qualler and Brigitte have spent some time catching up on shows that they haven’t seen much of yet. Some of those shows are new, some are old, some are new to them, and some were once new, then were old, and now are new again. (Following?) In this week’s episode of Blogulator Radio, the dynamic duo gives the lowdown on HBO’s (new) Enlightened and (old) How to Make It In America. They also give their thoughts on the (once new, then old, now new again) Beavis and Butt-head (spoiler alert: we are REALLY happy that this is back!) updated thoughts on the (new) American Horror Story, and thoughts on (the new to them) The Vampire Diaries. We swear it comes off less convoluted in netcast form.

Blogulator Radio is brought to you in part by Netflix, where you can stream your favorite TV shows and movies from your TV, computer, or many other devices as often as you want for just 7.99 a month. Start your free two week trial today and help support independent netcasting.

For up to the minute updates all up in your upness, be sure to subscribe to Blogulator Radio via iTunes or RSS.

Being a modern show for modern people, we’ve got all sorts of ways to find us online. We’ve got your Facebook and your Twitter, and you can follow Qualler and Chris on Twitter as well. Of course we always welcome comments or questions either in the comments below or through email at bradio@fancypantsgangsters.com. We also invite you to check out our non-audio version at TheBlogulator.com for more than just TV talk.

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Full Recovery

Top 40 sure has recovered from last month. And by last month, I mean a month-and-a-half ago. Yes, yes, I am behind, so please excuse some of these songs for being already winding down on the Billboard charts, if not completely absent by now. But while I will still attempt to do two more Today's Top 40 Spectrum posts, I think with this here installment I officially have more than enough songs for my Top 10 of the Top 40 of 2011 list. Like it will actually feel uncomfortable, even without getting through the rest of this year, cutting some vapid pop songs from my allotted ten. That's messed up, dudes. Is the machine eating me up or is Top 40 music actually getting slowly but surely better? Who knows. What I do know is that this entry's assortment of tuneage is nearly uniformly enjoyable, even if nearly every song has some kind of inherently sucky/obnoxious quality. Well enough surmising - let's get on with it! Here's my most recent cavalcade of Top 40 jams, ranked from most to least tolerable/enjoyable below...


"In the Dark" by Dev: One of my students told me that I should careful when I watch the video for this song because it's weird and "almost too sexy." Not only is that one of the weirdest comments a student has ever said to me, it's also oddly true, despite the fact that there is far less skin or jiggling occurring here than nearly 99% of all pop videos in existence. Sure, there's one recurring shot in particular that's obliquely alluring, but I think most of the discomforting lust appeal stems from the song itself, which I would go so far as to venture labeling as a stone-cold modern classic. Not only does Dev improve on the hollowness of "Like a G6" by actually making a song that's about something, but cool detachment is replaced with hot steam in the tone department. Add an indelible saxophone sample and you've got yourself a not necessarily cerebral piece of pop, but definitely a memorable and visceral one.


"Without You" by David Guetta feat. Usher: Let's get one thing straight. Usher is done. Put a fork in him. But I'll be damned if Guetta gets some good use out of his aching yet innocuous croon as a backdrop for his Eurotrance-or-whatever beat destruction. It's strangely wowing to see a DJ that's not necessarily unique in any shape or form manage to provide an adequate amount of spectacle on his own through arpeggio-happy sequencers and fake kick drum pulsing, which just pushes the basically one long chorus by your guest singer into the background to the point where it makes sense that the person's voice is designated as featured rather than the primary author. Even the sickly sweet video, which (gasp!) tells a story no less, can be forgiven because every lens flare and slow motion jump in the air perfectly embodies what makes pop music so euphoric when does without deception or malice, but with just pure unadulterated celebration. Whether it's of the self or the other is up for debate; don't think to hard though - just let your eyes widen when that bleep-bloop climax explodes.



"It Girl" by Jason Derulo: As you can tell by reading my faves for the month in the sidebar to your right, I am currently enjoying the act of damning whistling appearing so cacophonously and ubiquitously in Top 40 songs this fall. First it was "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 (a song I'm embarrassed to say has grown on me since I bashed it to shreds in this here column). Then it was Britney Spears' umpteenth forgettable hit "I Wanna Go" that jumped on the bandwagon. Now it's my dearly formerly beloved Jason Derulo, whose smash jam "In My Head" from last year was a not-so-secret obsession of mine. His Harry Belafonte-sampling first single from his new album didn't warm my heart over, though, and so I thought I was done with him. But then he comes back and wriggles his way back into my soft embrace, despite the fact that he is now the THIRD person on my radio whistling a hooky little piece of audio poop at me in between smooth verses and an airy yet amiable chorus. Oh how divisive our love must be! Why must you torment me so, Jason?!



"Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO: Not...really...sure...what to make of this. Does the main guy with the fro wish he was "Weird" Al for a new generation? Cuz he's certainly acting like it a lot more here than he ever has before, and yet it feels like a completely logical progression from "Party Rock Anthem." These guys have a shtick and they're shticking to it. Neon and gaudy everything. Goofy dancing and facial expressions. So while it's ultimately a silly Z-grade Flight of the Conchords song and an obnoxious C-grade "Weird" Al song, the internet age acronymic collective have developed an aesthetic and oeuvre. And it's unsettling, but hell if it ain't at least a compelling novelty for 2011. And that's basically all they're trying for, right? Nothing more, nothing less? Well, I enjoy it more with the video anyway. It's refreshing even if it's crass to play on the gender/sexpectations of the music video with such uninhibited delight.


"Cheers (Drink to That)" by Rihanna: Believe it or not, even though it's at the bottom of the spectrum, I think this might be the only Rihanna song I've liked for more than a couple seconds since "Umbrella." I think I kind of liked "What's My Name?" when that was on the radio constantly but I honestly can't remember what it sounds like now (though part of this problem may be that I have this song and many M83 songs currently in my head). The weird thing about this, though, is that there's only a couple distinguishing qualities that set this apart from all of the monotonous glut of half-assed Rihanna hits from the past couple years, one of which is the immediately jarring third chorus in which it sounds like literally a room of drunken fans were recorded singing Rihanna's part before the Barbadian in question suddenly swoops back in and reclaims her song. That moment where it slides everything back into place is so exquisitely chosen and executed that the woozy nature of the song (whether intentional or not) can be forgiven. The other thing is that hey, it sounds like Rihanna actually cares about something kind of! Sigh, it's just drinking, nay, "toasting," but at least she doesn't sound like she wishes she were dead! Right?

In Time: Not Worth Your Time

I feel like I should start this post off with some sort of pun about time in which I remind you that time is literally money in the film, In Time. Like, “I promise I won’t waste your time.” I say this because the first third of the movie made sure that its audience understood that time is literally money. It’s a pretty radical and confusing concept, so let me spell it out for you: People age until they’re 25 and then they get one extra year. The people have a limited amount of time to live, so they exchange it for various goods. What’s more, they are paid for their labor with more time. So when a person says, “I don’t have time for that,” in this society, they are referring both to the literal idea of time as a force that moves consistently forward and the currency that they use. Time is money. Money is time.

But seriously, if you run out of time, you die. You “clock out”. Say you miss the bus on the way to pick up some time from your son. If you don’t run, you could run out of time. And then you’d die. This happened to Justin Timberlake’s mom. She was running, she ran out of time, she made an awkward noise, and she died in his arms. So time is actually time, an ever-ticking clock counting down to your death. If you keep getting time, you keep living. If you run out of time, you die.

Thus, while time is money, it is also just time. DID I BLOW YOUR MIND?

I know this might be a bit much to understand, but luckily for you, the writers of this movie not only painstakingly explain the time-is-currency concept, but continue to beat you over the head with it until you get it. Or until it’s not just Justin Timberlake’s failure as a dramatic actor that makes you want to leave the theatre.

On a somewhat related note, Justin Timberlake is a totally unconvincing crier. This is the first time he really gets into the weeping and the wailing that I’ve seen, and I get the feeling that he’s never done it before, as if he emerged the womb as douche-y and self-important as he is now. Timberlake does well in roles that are basic variations of his bro-tacular self (The Social Network, Friends with Benefits, Alpha Dog), but when it comes to being dramatic, it’s totally un-engaging. Even when he tries to act dramatically in limited way, like trying to make us believe that his character fears “clocking out” (as opposed to how Timberlake would react to imminent death, which would be to simply smirk and say, “I’m too cool to die”) , his shiny patina of douche elicits nothing from his audience but boredom.

But Timberlake isn’t the only downfall of this movie. I suppose that the whole time is money thing is supposed to be some sort of profound metaphor for the realness of poverty and the rigidness of our modern conception of time, but honestly, the way that this movie bastardizes an actually interesting idea is completely distracting. Riddled by poor acting, poor writing, and an awful production quality, the film spends so much time trifling with the superficiality of this future society that it totally gives up on producing any sort of coherent or valuable plot.

(Speaking of which, apparently in the future, we’ll be really into remaking vintage Dodge Challengers and then covering them entirely in matte. Who has time for side mirrors, man? Hydraulic touch doors, though? That’s a necessity.)

While I’m guessing this movie wanted to leave me with questions about Robin-Hood-esque nobility and other complications characteristic of cerebral action movies (What does this mean for society? Is this our natural course as capitalist consumers?), I instead spent a lot of time asking questions about how a movie with such a great idea and seemingly large budget could be created without some sort of continuity editor. Surely someone should have pointed out that they keep changing the way they exchange time between people. Or suggested that, since this movie is so annoyingly obsessed with time, maybe time should pass as quickly in the film as it does in real life (so much time ticking towards death is spent kissing in slow motion). Or perhaps pointed out that the script never quite explained how Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried got their hands on that random armored truck. (Seriously. It just randomly appeared. Either that or I fell asleep.) I wish I could say that this film took on too much, that it neglected the continuity and plot details because the over-arching themes were just so important, but I can’t. I feel like the producers just decided that Justin Timberlake’s face was enough of a draw and decided to get drunk. And honestly, that’s probably a better use of your time as well.

Blogulator Radio Episode 31 - Underrated & Underutilized

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You know those characters from your favorite TV shows that you love but sometimes feel just don’t get enough play? Chris and Jerksica, your hosts for this week’s edition of Blogulator Radio, have got your back. They go through the gamut of underrated and underutilized supporting players on television today, a topic which came up when Donna finally got her due, recently teaming up with the equally funny but unfairly more popular Tom Haverford, on NBC’s Parks and Recreation. Some of their other choices may be more controversial or more head-scratching, ranging from Betty on Mad Men to the stoner grocery store worker on Raising Hope, but there’s one thing for sure – their opinions are valid. Let us know some of your favorite underrated and underutilized TV characters in the comments or via Facebook/Twitter!

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Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury

I have to confess, I've only read one Ray Bradbury novel in my entire life, and it is, of course, Farenheit 451, which I read in high school with everybody else. Now, I haven't read Farenheit 451 in a long time, so I barely remember the writing or narrative styles, certainly not in any detail, but when I picked up Something Wicked This Way Comes, hoping to find it to be a spooky read perfect for Halloween, I was a little surprised at it.

Now, don't get me wrong--Something Wicked is actually quite spooky. The story centers around two young boys named Will and Jim who are about to turn fourteen and, thus, become real adolescents. They have innocence to lose, and lose it they will, because the carnival is coming, a Dark carnival--literally, a carnival run by a man named Mr. Dark. Away from the melee of the town's new attraction, tucked deep in the library where he serves as the janitor, Will's father, Mr. Halloway laments his old age and feels unconnected to his son, whose youth he envies. Will and Jim quickly discover that the carnival is evil, and that the townspeople are being lured into giving up their souls in exchange for their hearts' supposed desires. Knowing that Will and Jim are hip to their jive, as it were, Mr. Dark is determined to do them harm, especially Jim, who is much more enticed by the carnival's offerings and clearly in danger of being drawn into Mr. Dark's web.

Also somewhat in danger is Mr. Halloway, who has desires only the carnival can fill. The boys, running from Mr. Dark, come to Will's father for help, and this is where the book goes a little off-kilter. For, at the end of the day, there are two things about Something Wicked that struck me as unexpected when I was reading. First was the strange rhythm of the language; it's more poetry than prose in places, and though not in verse it does give you the frenetic sense of wanting to be read aloud. And second, Something Wicked is a straight up allegory and, in its worst moments, a boring morality tale. By the second half of the book, Bradbury really makes no bones about telling you that. There's an entire scene (long scene) in the library where Mr. Halloway lectures Will and Jim on the history of evil, and the rest of the narrative is quickly consumed by Mr. Halloway's struggle to defeat Mr. Dark and his horrific carnival cronies and save the soul of his son (and his son's friend, although sometimes I wonder if he cares so much about Jim).

Everything ends on a happy note; Mr. Dark and his carnival are banished (at least for now, Mr. Halloway makes a point of saying (READ: EVIL NEVER DIES)), and Will and Jim are none the worse for their brush with darkness, except that, due to a magic merry-go-round that makes you age or become younger depending on which way it spins, Jim is now like sixteen or seventeen and Will is fifteen. Because their experiences have made them mature beyond their years or something. It was sort of confusing.

Anyway, I don't mean to dismiss this book; it's actually pretty great, if you can get into the rhythm of the writing (which some people in my book club found to be a struggle) and you can either buy into or ignore the straightforwardness of the good vs. evil allegory. I actually liked that bit, but it can be something of a distraction. The book could also be like 50-75 pages shorter. But it was a fantastic Halloween read; I devoured it in its entirety on a London to New York flight and it kept me turning pages the whole way, and it gave me, if not nightmares, then very strange and ominous dreams, which means it definitely did its job in scaring the pants off me. Mission accomplished, Bradbury, mission accomplished.

(Coda: You know what I could have done without? The humble-brag author's note in the back that explained why Something Wicked This Way Comes is dedicated to actor Gene Kelly. Didnt notice, Bradbury! And don't care.)

Off the Couch and Into the Theater: November 2011

Last month I began my preview of the month's films with a little reflection: "Wow, I can't believe it's October and I still haven't seen Drive, Moneyball, and/or 50/50." Well, now it's November and I did manage to see those three movies, but not any of the big releases from October that I wanted to see, such as The Ides of March, The Thing, or In Time. From what I've heard though, this isn't that big of a deal. Especially because Drive, Moneyball, and 50/50 are all now in my top ten of 2011 and I can't imagine any of those others would be. Yes, they're all great, though both Drive and 50/50 have their weaknesses, I believe. Now, onto the box office and art house hopefuls of this month, each with "Do I Wanna See It?" percentages in parentheses...

 
Nov 4th: My students are all psyched for A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas 3D (43%), though I still have yet to see the first two in the series and have only a passing curiosity in the Cheech and Chong for the generation right after us. On the other hand, I unabashedly want to see Tower Heist (92%) and I don't care who knows it. Yes, it's Brett Ratner, the "auteur" of the Rush Hour franchise, but dammit, I have a weird nearly inexplicable love for crass Eddie Murphy and wacky caper flicks - plus Matthew Broderick! It's been a while. The Son of No One (54%) features Al Pacino almost assuredly chewing up scenery as the mentor Denzel detective to Channing Tatum's Ethan Hawke character, near as I can tell. I like the title, and corrupt cop flicks are another weakness of mine, but I still am not sure how Tatum is different from Ryan Phillipe. Elizabeth (of Mary Kate and Ashley) Olsen is practically an Oscar lock for Martha Marcy May Marlene (98%), so I am required to see it. It's about an emotionally devastated woman who tries to go back to her normal life after leaving a cult. Sounds delightful! Okay, this is going to get old because The Double (51%) is yet another example of a soft spot for me: the conspiracy political thriller. Richard Gere and Topher Grace plus the CIA, FBI, and assassinations isn't much, but damned if I like shouting, plot twists, and intrigue. Like Crazy (49%), however, is the kind of movie that I really don't typically enjoy, but is likely still going to be good because it looks like it's done with care and gravitas, not just for kicks like the others. A straight romance featuring unknown leads about deportation? Meh. Lastly, The Mill and the Cross (52%) is an adaptation of a famous painting, because apparently that's a thing you can do. Rutger Hauer though! Cool!

 
Nov 11th: Tarsem, director of The Cell and The Fall, finally does what he was meant to and makes an unarguably horrible 300-esqe epic film about battles and Greek gods and stuff. Oh well, at least Immortals (39%) will be pretty to look at sometimes maybe kind of. Dustin Lance Black, scribe of Milk, tries his hand at another biopic with J. Edgar (88%), this time with Leonardo DiCaprio in the Oscar-baiting role. I'd usually say yawn, but you know, Academy Awards blah blah. Also, there's the FBI movie crossover link, so I'm in. Jack and Jill (v0m%) has little to nothing that I want to exist in the natural world, much less to get me into the theater to see it. I seriously thought it was a joke movie trailer when I first saw Adam Sandler playing identical twin brother and sister. Let's leave it at that. Werner Herzog manages to get two documentaries in this year and I'm far more psyched to see Into the Abyss (96%) than I was to see Cave of Forgotten Dreams. This one features conversations with a death row inmate and his family for two hours. That's it. And I'm sure the narration is awesome. Revenge of the Electric Car (57%) chronicles the resurgence of the once-thought-to-be-dead gas-less vehicle, which is only vaguely interesting. What's way more interesting/strange is the list of people interviewed for the doc: Danny DeVito, Anthony Kiedis, Stephen Colbert, and many more. So weird.

 
Nov 18th: Bella gets preggers, or so I've gleaned, in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 (1%) and I tell you what, now that I know I'm going to be a dad, I have just the slightest fear that if it's a girl I will have to end up watching these movies at some point. Unless they're seen as lame 10-12 years from now by everyone. We'll see. Happy Feet Two (8%) reminds me that the first one won the Animated Feature Oscar and that's probably why there's a sequel. Or was that March of the Penguins? Oh well. Don't care. Penguins dancing is probably cute I guess. Alexander Payne returns with The Descendents (94%) starring George Clooney as a father trying to bond with his daughters after a tragedy befalls the family matriarch. I love half/hate half of both Payne and Clooney's work so this will be a crapshoot, but I'm once again required due to...you guessed it, Oscar buzz! And Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey (89%) is self-explanatory and therefore completely awesome. I just hope it doesn't taint my pure view of Sesame Street.

 
Nov 23rd-25th: Apparently Martin Scorsese has a movie coming out this year and it's called Hugo (91%), though my memory has no knowledge of such a thing. It looks like a kid's movie about an orphan and a fantastical world and a mythology regarding his parents. Sounds positively unfamiliar! Groan. Scorsese, you're lucky you're Scorsese. The Muppets (99%) has received some harsh words from Fran Oz regarding its loyalty to the franchise and Jim Henson's ghost, but so many of us who have been longing for a new Kermit movie for years will have to not care in order to live in denial a few days longer until we see it and have our hearts crushed. Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud go head to head in the forms of Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen in A Dangerous Method (97%), directed by creepster extraordinaire David Cronenberg. I'm psyched and excited in my pants, and that's an intended pun and an intended Freudian slip. If that last thing is a thing. Arthur Christmas (2%) is some computer animated movie that is indeed about Christmas, though unfortunately it does not seem to be anything about an aardvark or a drunken Dudley Moore. The new Lars Von Trier film, Melancholia (100%), is about what if another planet starts on a collision course with Earth. And yet that's not what it's about at all. Kirsten Dunst stars as a young woman who goes through drama somehow while this is happening. Young Goethe in Love (10%) is a historical romance drama in which a fancy white guy with a remarkable talent loves a girl but then some stuff happens. Lastly, The Other F Word (22%) is a documentary in which Art Alexakis of Everclear is one of several "punk rockers" that discuss their experiences as fathers. Hell if Art can get in that, I should be able to book a spot in the sequel. Rimshot!

Thanks as always to the fine folks at Uptown Theatre for the indie flick release dates for the Minneapolis area!

(Yesterday's) Top 40 Spectrum: Billboard #1s Through The Years

As you probably already know, Spotify is totally the Best Thing To Ever Be Invented, At Least Currently, On The Internet. Yeah, it's pretty great. It has allowed a lame-wad who feels as out of touch with current music trends as I ever have to at least feign to know what is new and cool in music these days. (Bon Iver is totally overrated, guys.)

So, when I came across this Spotify playlist that features every song that ever hit #1 on the Billboard Top 40, ever, I was, naturally, very intrigued. And over the course of the past week, I've listened to this playlist. Memories have come flooding back to me; the musical cues that defined my life are embedded in this playlist.

I've learned a lot listening to this playlist:

1) There are a lot of really dumb songs that hit number one;
2) Some artists are ridiculously famous because their number one songs are a lot better than the dumb ones that hit number one.

As is wont to do on a Pop Culture blog, I have cultivated my thoughts in a free-form list of the best and worsts of the songs that reached #1 on the Billboard charts. These thoughts are based on my pop music consciousness which, according to my estimation, started with Los Lobos's "La Bamba", the first song I remember being popular at the time it was popular, which hit #1 on August 29, 1987. My thoughts on that song: I loved that movie, and then cried a lot at the end when Richie Valens died. Totes heartbreaking.

Without further ado:

Best #1 Song: Lauryn Hill - "Doo Wop (That Thing)"; two weeks at #1, November 14-21, 1998
I have indeed identified the greatest song to ever hit #1 on the Billboard Top 40. "Doo Wop (That Thing)" reaches that pinnacle. It's not just that the song is more socially conscious than most popular songs that have followed it, #1 or otherwise; it's just an unbelievably hooky, infectious song you can dance to and sing along to. Current female chart-toppers don't have that combination of dense lyrical and musical content and straight-up catchiness, and they definitely don't have Ms. Hill's powerful artistic voice(*). Kanye was right when he said he wished you were still making music, Lauryn.

(*)Which is one reason why, despite generally enjoying Nicki Minaj's overall vocal stylings, I find the perception she is a female trailblazer irritating. Please - she's still beholden to the male artists that discovered her and mostly cultivated her musical artist identity, whereas Hill is a complete artist with a true, strong voice. And she hit #1 over ten years ago.

Worst #1 Song: Jennifer Lopez feat. Ja Rule, "I'm Real"; three weeks at #1, September 8-22, 2011
With all due (dis)respect to other nominees, like the multiple #1s by Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, and New Kids on the Block, "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed, and "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" by Nelson (which at least scores points by being kind of hilariously bad), J.Lo's collaboration with Ja Rule is the most offensively bad #1 for a variety of reasons. One is its extreme social non-consciousness, with J.Lo droppin' the n-word in her lyrics in a way that is, at best, extremely uncomfortable. But then, J.Lo is, as I determined, America's Most Bland Celebrity, with her milquetoast delivery of every line. When she talks about when she's "feeling sexy", nothing feels more like I'm being pandered to than this line. And of course, Ja Rule, the man who 50 Cent mocked for sounding like Cookie Monster, delivers the chorus. When 50 Cent disses you, you really do suck. Seriously, though, J.Lo has done nothing to take away from her throne of America's Most Bland Celebrity, as evidenced by the latest magazine cover talking about her romance with America's Most Bland Actor, Bradley Cooper.

Most Bizarre #1: Rick Astley, "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Together Forever";  Hey, America! Did you know that these two songs are EXACTLY THE SAME?!?!?!?!?? EXACTLY! THE! SAME! When the now-famous-due-to-meme "Never Gonna Give You Up" popped up on my playlist, I chuckled. When "Together Forever" popped up, though, I became horrified. I pointed out the different songs to Brigitte, which, naturally, caused us to start a "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" style dueling chorus improptu sing-along of me singing the "Give You Up" chorus and Brigitte singing the "Together Forever" chorus. Then, I had a grand plan of mashing the songs together to demonstrate to you, the reader, the similarities, but thankfully, someone on YouTube already saved me the work. So, here you go:



Most Deserving Artists To Reach #1 Multiple Times:
It sounds obvious, but it's totally true: the reason Michael Jackson hit #1 thirteen times, Whitney Houston hit #1 eleven times, Janet Jackson hit #1 ten times, and Mariah Carey hit #1 eighteen(!!!) times, is because they are all ridiculously talented people. Going through the playlist, these artists always provided a welcome oasis of greatness in a sea of other random songs that hit #1. I most enjoyed Janet Jackson, a hit-maker who was definitely more versatile than merely using her name recognition -- lady's super talented. And I hear that Michael fellow is kinda famous. Oh Whitney, if only Bobby Brown didn't totally destroy your career, cuz you have/had one helluva powerful voice. And after re-listening to a lot of Mariah's hits, I'm not quite as embarrassed to admit my owning multiple Mariah Carey CDs as a pre-teen.

Least Deserving Artist To Reach #1 Multiple Times:
On the other hand, George Michael's eight #1 hits feel like a product of their times, with the #1 songs he put out at best bland ("Faith") and at worst horribly schmaltzy. Sorry, George Michael - you're boring.

Hottest #1, At Least Compared To Its Chart-Mates: C+C Music Factory, "Gonna Make You Sweat"; two weeks at #1 starting February 9-16, 1991
In the context of being #1 the same year as Paula Abdul's "Rush Rush" (five weeks at number one!) and Bryan Adam's "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" (seven weeks at number one!), C+C Music Factory's biggest hit is like a shot of adrenalin that smacks you upside the head and makes you wanna dance right now in the office. 

Most Surprisingly Forward-Thinking #1 Song from the Early 90s: P.M. Dawn, "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"; one week at #1, November 30, 1991
In the context of those super-lame other #1s (others include "I Adore Mi Amor" by Color Me Badd and "More Than Words" by Extreme), PM Dawn's almost-forgotten #1 samples "True" by Spandau Ballet. In my unscientific study, this is the best of the late-80s-early-90s #1 songs that sample previous songs. Well, it's definitely better than "Ice Ice Baby", right?


Most Creepy-In-Retrospect Love Ballad: Boyz II Men, "End of the Road"; thirteen weeks at #1 starting August 15, 1992
The lyrics of this song are CREEPY AS EFF! Are these the words of bass singer Michael McCarey's spoken word mid-song jam? Or the scrawl of a creepy stalking ex-boyfriend who might also be a serial murderer? You decide (bold and italics added by me):

Girl, I’m here for you
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just run out with that other fella?
Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care
You just don’t understand how much I love you do you?
I’m here for you. 

I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did, baby, but that’s all right
Hey, I love you anyway
And I’m still gonna be here for you ’till my dying day baby
Right now, I’m just in so much pain baby
Coz you just won’t come back to me
Will you? just come back to me

Most Hilarious Song To Succeed A Wildly Succesful #1: "How Do You Talk to an Angel" by The Heights; two weeks at #1 starting November 14, 1992
Yes, it succeeded "End of the Road". Yes, it was the theme song to the short-lived Fox drama The Heights. And yes, that is actor Jamie Walters singing, who went on to play Donna Martin's boyfriend and hotheaded fictional recording artist Ray Pruitt in seasons five and six of Beverly Hills 90210. How do you talk to an angel, Ray Pruitt? How do you?

Least Deserving Artist Collaboration: "All for One" by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart & Sting; three weeks at #1 starting January 22, 1994
If I were Sting, and I were looking back at my career today, I would be looking back at that collaboration I did with Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart and be thinking, "Wow, how was there a time that Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart were considered my equals? I'm freakin' Sting! I was in The Police! My body of work is timeless, while Rod Stewart is a glorified lounge singer and Bryan Adams didn't become popular until he totally sold his soul with 'Everything I Do (I Do It For You)'! How did I sign up for this? What kind of self-respect did I have? Did I not meditate enough in 1994?" Regrets, Sting. This is one of them, isn't it?

Most Adorably Out-Of-Place Random #1: Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories, "Stay (I Miss You)"; three weeks at #1 starting August 6, 1994
Jumping to #1 after All-4-One's "I Swear" and before Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You", Lisa Loeb's Reality Bites soundtracker is the only evidence on the Billboard #1s playlist that this thing called Grunge Music was popular. Yes, many grunge and post-grunge bands hit #1 with their albums, but none of them hit #1 on the Hot 100. But adorably dorky Loeb made it to #1, who indeed made it safe for boys to make passes at girls who wear glasses. And, did you know, this was the first #1 song by an artist who was not signed to a record label at the time? Yeah, take that in your pipe and smoke it, Owl City. Lisa Loeb says, "YOU'RE WELCOME!"

Most Hilarious Collaboration: R.Kelly & Celine Dion, "I'm Your Angel"; seven weeks at #1 starting December 5, 1998
R.Kelly collaborated with Celine Dion just because he could, right? Honestly, I didn't know this song even existed, and now I am more happy than ever to know that it does.

First Meta #1 Song, In My Unscientific Estimation: Kanye West feat. Twista & Jamie Foxx, "Slow Jamz"; one week at #1, February 21, 2004
2004 was mostly dominated by Usher, but it was Kanye who made it safe for artists of today to write #1 songs that are about other songs. Today, it is commonplace for chart-toppers to include a layer of meta-songwriting in their tunes, but Kanye made the modern "song about a song" what it was. In my estimation, this is also the first #1 song to also get the Pitchfork stamp of approval, making it safe for hipsters and popsters to like the same stuff once in a while. Thanks for making it safe for hipsters to like pop music, 'Ye!