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ohhh, i thought you were saying "chiclet," you know...like the gum?

ELIZABETHTOWN: my name is kirsten dunce and i love the duluth indie-rock band low, as my t-shirt indicates. they're almost as good as ryan adams. i'm not quite sure where duluth is but it's probably a lot like the centerpiece of my new film, elizabethtown. a lot of wacky people live there, but they have good hearts.

you know who else has a good heart? outlandish bloom. the locks of his hair are so flowing and yet remarkably contained by his lack of personality or charm. luckily our boss mr. cameron crowe doesn't spend too much time on any of our characters because he's too busy jerking off to the story of his own life rather than creating new ones. this way we don't have to worry about how devastatingly boring outlandish is.

one time on the set he was discussing how ironic it is that his last name is bloom because...okay let me make sure i get this quote right or he'll MURDER me..."everything feels so dead inside of me, like not only will it never bloom, but it was never alive..." haha he's so adorably suicidal. good thing we dwell on the hilarity of suicide in the film, otherwise i was afraid he might actually off himself! that would be just dreadful.

everybody keeps talking about how our movie's just like that movie with the NBC jew, but they don't understand OURS IS REAL. this is ACTUALLY cameron's life, isn't that just wild? i don't want to give too much away, but let me just tell you that if you think that song "new slang" changed your life, wait till you hear our use of the song "freebird" in the climactic finale. pssh at least "freebird" is totally epic and people have actually heard of it.

IN HER SHOES: oh hey boys, don't mind me, hollywood hottie cameron diass - just catching a little fun in the sun, otherwise known as the second act drag of my new film, in her shoes. it's based on a book, you know, you boys read books. smarties. my character can't read in this film because she's a dumb blond. did i mention this was written by a woman?

anyway, i totally am the auxilliary character that nobody should care about because i'm so incredibly stupid, so you should pay more attention to the doggish yet intelligent toni collette, who plays my sister! sorry boys, she's taken! by a nerdy yet caring man that really has nothing going for him except that finally someone wants him. why should we care? because there's too much emotions being built up in the movie, tensions swelling and grudges showing their ugly faces that we HAD to lighten it up somehow!

fake resolutions are always so much easier than real ones, or dealing with the lack of resolution that real life has to offer, don't you think? that's why we end this movie with (SPOILER ALERT!) a wedding. not just that, but a JAMAICAN-themed wedding. i love other cultures. what? there's absolutely no other race represented in this movie yet there's jamaicans dancing with us at the wedding to calypso-reggae music? i wondered what those boys were doing with the steel drums...oh well! i'm just a girl!

oh and old people are sprinkled throughout the movie to garner a larger viewing audience. not just ANY old people though, fellas! extra-wrinkly ones with wit sharper than cheddar like the queen of mean herself, SHIRLEY MACLAME. and turns out she's my grandmother part way through the movie! talk about turning a girl's life upside down! an i'm not talking pineapple cake.

NORTH COUNTRY: it's okay woody, i'll do the talking. yeah i'm sure, geeze you misogynist pig. i know how to speak, i can tell the fine readers of the blogulator why our new movie north country is so great. i'm a rugged minnesotan woman, not your average tanned hollywood bimbo that has layed low playing famous actors' wives for years. i'm charlize theron. you've really got some nerve, harrelson.

sorry, i know it's vaguely ironic that such a strong woman as the sexually harrassed character i play in north country ultimately needs your character of the male lawyer to empower her throughout the narrative, but lemme tell you something you don't know: i USED you, woody. i used you more than you used my film to rescucitate your career. i'm like that band rage against the machine. i used your patriarchal image against the system that was sexually harrassing me in those mines i worked in. how do you like them apples, as mr. hunting himself would say?

speaking of hardcore messing with your head, check out the non-linearity of my film's narrative structure. it's pretty mindblowing. one minute - courtroom drama, the next - glorified lifetime movie, and finally - decent historical drama. yeah that's right, not even snobmaster chris from the blogulator can say too much bad about it. sure there's not much good to say, but hey, at least it's more interesting and historically valid than that jamie foxx biopic of yesteryear.

did i mention frances mcdormand and sean bean are the fucking jam? oh man if they weren't in this movie, i probably would have sucked the screentime so much my "acting skills" which consist of me bitching and crying would have made even the most dedicated faux-feminist walk out of the theatre. if hollywood's gonna churn out movie after movie of stuff that's happened in real life already, it might as well be mildly competent in its execution. know what i mean? i'm looking at you, opie.

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  1. Blogger Wipert | 12:08 PM |  

    Dude, you are way harsh. But your cynicism is warm, which i like

  2. Blogger P. Arty | 1:23 PM |  

    Elizabethtown was better than the movie by that NBC Jew. I could probably enjoy it twice.

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