OMG his singing SUX!

Last night marked the beginning of American Idol. Because I like being annoyingly vocal about how much of a negative impact this show has on my life, I commemorated this tragedy much in the same way my grandfather commemorated the bombing of Pearl Harbor; with Microsoft Paint.
The message I'm trying to reveal here, through my art, is that I will be unable to visit any "news" site in the next five months without being fed an Idol-centric headline. Yes, the 34th season of this talent contest slash freak show is important to our society, and that makes me sighingly sad. Sigh. At least Yahoo! users still have some taste, their number 2 search term yesterday being "celebrity baby news." Only Katie Holmes, the doe-eyed mother of ones of these gems, could peak surfer interest more. Cool!

Seriously, though, Suri Cruise is gorgeous. I so took a number. Invest early.
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Hey! Anime is Okay, Magic Flower!


Did you forget about my newfound passion for anime? Did you try to? I'm a little upset either way. Regardless, this is the second installment, and the most important one yet.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
Whereas my previous experience, Elfen Lied, definitely appeals to the more niche, hardcore anime fanbase (what with its naked, blood-lusty women and all), Haruhi Suzumiya presents a totally different side to the anime world. In this hemisphere, dialogue and character rule, bouncy breasts sneak in at second, and the rest serves primarily to complement the story. This is saying a lot, given the high quality art and animation of the series, but it's what I want to say. Kind of. What I really want to say is this:

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya awoke me to the fact that modern anime is a legitimate genre for good, intelligent television. I was as fooled by everyone else by Cartoon Network's imports - always samurai, always weird creature-robots battling for destiny, always formulaic sci-fi melodrama. The American-produced Afro Samurai (starring Samuel "you can't hang out with 20-year olds if you don't love me" Jackson) is a case-in-point example of such lazy anime production for lazy anime fans. That's not to say "traditional" anime is worthless. Frustrating would be a better word, with each series seeming to derivate from the next as slightly as it can. Look! A black samurai! Everything is so different! Completely original ideas may be an impossible expectation, but Haruhi Suzumiya tricked me into believing. Everything really was different, at least to my paduan eyes. The story is philosophically smart. The characters talk in sentences with conjunctions. I was blown away.

I'll stay away from detailing the plot, because the unraveling of what is actually going on in this world drives the first half of the show. I will reveal, however, that I classify the show as "existential frivolity." The first six episodes, which stand alone in creating the crux of Haruhi's universe, tell a creative coming-of-age story, evolving from the horrible recognition that the number of people you see in a stadium represents almost nothing of the real population and you are a part of that nothing. But it's fun! I swear! I've said enough, and I don't know if I wanted to. Here's a preview that reveals nothing, and everything, and features a song by Blogulator-approved (?) Skye Sweetnam:



The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (available on Netflix) comes with my highest recommendation. The first season (it's the only one so far) is only 14 short episodes long, for those of you with little patience. For those of you with a bit more patience, I suggest watching it in Japanese with English subtitles. I've heard some of the English voice-dubbing and it is terrible... as usual. I'll discuss that issue next time, when more than one of you is left to listen. $

Which one of you is left? Quincy?

Wedding Meat/Stuff

Minneapolis seems abuzz over a certain wedding. I believe Harmony married Soul? I think I went, and I think I ate salmon on a stick, so, okay, yeah, I'll play along.

Many of you know I hold certain feelings towards weddings. I realize the social need for marriage, as do I accept that most humans possess things called "emotions," a concept which has been stolen from me by my brother, Lore.


However, I guess I'm kind of like Dexter in this case, not only in the way that I contradicted myself in the previous paragraph, but also in the way that I have no personal perspective on what makes normal humans enjoy the marriage part of the wedding. As I said before, the salmon kebab part is awesome.

However again, NOBODY likes to read about social philosophies on the internet. If they did, Daniel Dennett would be a rock star; or at least he would be if people were to look out of their caves and realize that rock is not all that surrounds them.
EVERYBODY likes pop culture opinions. Here, then, are my top pop weddings, which infer the popping of more than champagne bottles if you know what I mean (balloons).

1. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The Trailer
I didn't actually see this movie, but I did see a full-length version of it via the wedding scene being shown as a theater preview for an entire year. When I think about it, I also probably missed a full-length feature due to these trailers, as I would lapse into a bore-coma until the first explosion of whatever movie I was actually trying to watch. Still, the presence of one Brian Posehn as the priest managed to blow my mind every single time.


Maybe I'm missing some kind of insane analogy, seeing as how this Fantastic Four was written by one of the Twin Peaks creators. If not, though, I have to conclude that Sir Posehn must have the best agent in the biz (which is also how he earned both his knighthood and the right to abbreviate "business"). He's a funny enough guy, sure. He's not a comic-movie priest. Nor did he belong anywhere near the zero-progress mess that was The Devil's Rejects. Nevertheless, there he is, listening to the Spin Doctors, which is a Sarah Silverman reference for my friend Wipert.

2-naught. The Lion King
Hold on. We actually missed the wedding scene in this one. Simba went from throwing his uncle to the African wolves (that's what I metaphorically call hyenas) to lifting up his son for all to see and bow down to. Being a huge Nala fan, I cannot begin to express my disappointment that the full wedding day and night was not captured on some kind of video.

3. The Little Mermaid - The first wedding
Was there a second wedding, with Ariel marrying Eric? Or did we get screwed out of that, too? Whatever. The first wedding rocked. You people who had your ceremony in an art gallery -- that was cool. You didn't, however, have your bride turn into an octopus and shoot across the floor in an almost Ring-like fast crawl, and, for that, I will never forgive you. Did I mention that I liked the salmon sticks, though? They were okay. Mostly I think I was just surprised that they were salmon and not chicken. You got me!

That's it. I can't think of any other wedding scenes I've cared about. I know our generation venerates American Wedding as the classic, but I schmoo-ed (it's like booing) everything in that movie that wasn't January Jones. Oh man. Can you imagine a wedding where January Jones, Nala, and the girl from The Ring all got married? I'd watch that with a funny hat on!

I do.

Since I've arrived at the animated tangent I was aiming for, I would like to introduce my new segment entitled, "Hey Anime is Okay, Magic Flower!" Not having a job can get you into some weird things when you're a guy like me who is not going to get into yoga. Thus I started to watch some of the anime Time Warner had on demand. Surprise! A lot of it is weird (although the fact that anime is a vast and varied medium deserves emphasis), yet I am also weird, so I like weird. Hear me out, or I will burn your pumpkin patches!

What I discovered in my anime (re?)birth was, firstly, animation that is vastly improved over the Grimm's Fairy Tale crap Nickelodeon fed us, as well as the Pokemon crap that gets all the exposure (PS I'll talk about how much I love Pokemon in another post. PS I love you). My second and more important discovery was that these shows are telling fantastical, inspired stories that would never get a second glance - much less a first - from American producers. The philosophy level in some of these programs is enough to make Daniel Dennett cry metaphysical tears (they alternate dimensions as they fall).

Dossier time! (This is part of "Hey Anime is Okay, Magic Flower!")

Elfen Lied (pronounced all German-like --> LEED)
This thirteen-episode series (available on NetFlix) was the first in my recent (re?)introduction to anime. It's not my favorite, though it has its qualities. The biggest attractions here are incredible scenes in which the "diclonious" (oft-naked girls with horns and invisible arms) slice people up with their hidden appendages. The biggest negatives are the not-so-seamless compositions of humor and horror that the series tries to achieve, as well as what even I as a pervert would call gratuitous nudity. My general mantra regarding animated nakedness is "Get into it or get over it," but God Himself can wince from time to time. $ (Dollar signs always end the anime segment.)

And with that, I once more congratulate the happy couple!

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TV Reminder: To anyone who has watched through Season 2 of Battlestar Galactica (I think that's you, Dave), the movie-length corollary Razor premieres this Saturday. To anyone who hasn't watched through Season 2, I urge you not to watch this as it will spoil plot points of a show that should not be spoiled (spoilt?) Anyway, get busy with Season 1. There's almost no new TV. Do it!