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Why Do All The World Cup Coaches Look Like Villains From Action Movies?

I had positively no intention of following sports of any kind this summer. In fact, I had no idea this year was a World Cup year until school ended in early June. Then, after passively logging onto ESPN3.com one morning to see who was playing, I somehow got sucked in. I researched everything I could about FIFA online and started making it a ritual to have the games on in the background while I was doing other things. But quickly that wasn't enough. I would miss killer header goals or ridiculous fouls. These kinds of things only happened every 35-40 minutes or so per 90-minute game, but that's what made me fall in love with the World Cup. That and the vuvuzelas of course. Another thing that has had me curious since the beginning of my obsession: the coaches. Simply put, they all look like villains from action movies. So as a tribute now that this whole thing is over, here are the coaches from the four ranked teams from the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, with some info on what their action movie might be about...

Óscar Tabárez
Team Uruguay (4th place)
Prospective Action Movie Title: A Chance To Die
Antagonist to: Keanu Reeves as Randy Jensen
Catch Phrase: "Well excuuuse me, Oscar."
Poster Tag Line: How many chances will he get?

Plot Synopsis: Set in 2004, a crazed financial mogul will stop at nothing to get former Navy SEAL, now rookie hedge fund manager, Randy Jensen killed before he leaks the news about his latest cutthroat (literally) lending operation.

Joachim Loew
Team Germany (3rd place)
Prospective Action Movie Title: The Last Injustice
Antagonist to: Will Smith as Bryce James
Catch Phrase: "Now you got me ALL worked up!"
Poster Tag Line: When justice isn't served, don't tip.

Plot Synopsis: A mild-mannered and overworked attorney sent overseas for a much-needed vacation with his family is thrust into the role of hunter and savior when his wife and son are kidnapped by the son of the man he convicted and sent to prison exactly ten years ago that day.

Bert Van Marwijk
Team Netherlands (2nd place)
Prospective Action Movie Title: Fallen Devils
Antagonist to: Nicolas Cage as Nathan Hunter
Catch Phrase: "You're going down...deep down."
Poster Tag Line: A devil's work is never done.

Plot Synopsis: A brilliant mathematician, but also a slightly schizophrenic hermit, Nathan Hunter hasn't stepped foot into the public eye since he narrowly escaped a manslaughter charge for the death of his wife over twenty years ago. Today, he's called in by baby-faced lead FBI detective Lee Donaldson (played by Freddie Prinze, Jr.), who thinks he's the only one who can help shed some light on a pattern he's seen in the stock market, circled in red amongst hundred of newspapers at a crime scene.

Vicente del Bosque
Team Spain (1st place)
Prospective Action Movie Title: War And Pieces
Antagonist to: Bruce Willis as Dock Grimes
Catch Phrase: "Don't call me Doctor!"
Poster Tag Line: What is it good for? Absolutely everything.

Plot Synopsis: On retirement day, 5th grade schoolteacher Dock Grimes just has one wish when he blows out the candles on his apple-shaped cake - that his kids loved him the way his students do. He might get that wish if he's able to fend off a team of mercenaries that surround and invade Hawkeye Elementary, looking to kidnap the son of the leader that recently led a coup in their home country. Good thing Dock's been working out all these years, because now, after 35 years of Roald Dahl and long division, he's ready for combat.

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  1. Blogger Papa Thor | 1:52 PM |  

    HaHA! (This is too good, I can't think of any funny add-on comment!)

  2. Blogger Wipert | 3:06 PM |  

    All kinds of funny... War and Pieces sounds like an homage to Toy Soldiers, which is a brilliantly silly movie.

  3. Blogger qualler | 3:49 PM |  

    Fantastic. Joachim Loew is the perfect villain name anyway, and the way he is folding his hands in that photo, you can tell he's scheming to bitchslap Will Smith with his kidnapping of his kids.

  4. Blogger chris | 4:33 PM |  

    Haha thanks guys. This was the most fun I had writing a post in a LOOOOONG time. Also reminded me of a car trip game Jess and I used to play, where one of us comes up with a fake movie title and the other has to come up with the poster tag line. Try it at home!

    For more villain-esque World Cup coaches, see: Ghana, Argentina, and Brazil (whose coach's name is just 'DUNGA').

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