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Top 10 Celebrity News Items of 2009

10. Tiger Woods is a Big Fat Cheater

Yes, we were all shocked late in 2009 that squeaky clean pro-golfer, Tiger Woods, turned out to be a cheater. Not at golf - but at the game of love. Pretty much every day throughout the month of December, there was another of Tiger's mistresses falling out of the woodwork. How many are there? Who can really keep track? But at some point, if you are in the double digits for mistresses, you gotta be counting on a fallout somewhere along the line. If I've learned anything from the show Big Love, it's that the more women you've got the harder it is to please them all.

9. World's Most Annoying Couple Formed

I definitely figured this story from early 2009 would dominate the headlines for the whole year, but actually after a little teasing game of "did it really happen?", Heidi and Spencer finally made their union official and kind of left us alone. I had pegged this marriage as a sham built upon two shallow people who desperately wanted the attention that came with their relationship, but I am relieved that marriage actually kind of shut them up.

8. Uggo's Got Talent

Not all celeb news this year was about the beautiful, tan, thin people who live in Hollyweird. 2009 brought fame to a whole new, far less shallow level. This year, we learned that even ugly people can have talent. In fact, the #1 album on the Billboard charts for the last 5 weeks of 2009 came from this woman, who was discovered on a British reality show...

7. R.I.P. Oprah

No, Oprah is not dead. You did not miss that headline this year. But she might as well be dead to me. Oprah announced this year that she will end her daytime talk show after 2011. How will we go on after that?

6. *Spoiler alert* Kanye's a Jerk

If there was anything more publicly mocked this year than the Tiger Woods sex scandal, it was definitely Kanye West's embarrassing candy-from-a-baby moment at this year's VMAs. Despite multiple past attempts by the artist to ruin awards shows, no one saw this one coming. Even Beyonce, the object of his affection, was on Taylor Swift's side after Kanye jerked the microphone away during her acceptance speech.

5. "Octomom" [noun] - an attention whore who very publicly gives birth to octuplets

Was it a fertility drug accident? Did she do is intentionally to get a reality show? Should we pity her because she has no money or should we hate her for being irresponsible? Was the doctor negligent? All of these questions have been on the forefront of the American public's mind for the past year, all of them trying to make heads or tails of why a single mother of 6 would want to add 8 more to the pack. But what's more is that Octomom has been voted #1 worst neighbor in America.

4. Letterman Actually Offends People

I didn't think that Letterman's grandma-approved vanilla comedy could actually offend someone, but where there's a will, there's a way. That way is through self-proclaimed victim/politician, Sarah Palin, who blasted Letterman for making jokes about A-Rod knocking up her daughter. And how did Palin respond to Letterman's apology? By being about this big about it and rejecting his mea culpa.

3. Kate (Plus 8) - Jon = Messy Divorce

You know that feeling when your eyes are too big for your stomach and as you are eating you start to feel sick? Well, I think that's how Jon and Kate now feel about their fame. The former reality TV couple went through a very messy and very public separation this year. Considering we spent the whole year discussing this news piece, I have a feeling there will be some spillage over into 2010 on this one.

2. Jessica Simpson Has Bad Year

Poor poor Jessica Simpson. Not only did she have waxy ears necessitating extreme cleaning measures this year, she got dumped by boyfriend, Tony Romo and made a very poor fashion choice that highlighted her weight gain. But it gets worse...the cruel people of this world who get off on tormenting Jessica Simpson have been keeping the very faint candle of hope that her maltipoo puppy, who was carried off by a coyote in September, is still alive.

1. R.I.P. MJ

And the number one celebrity news item of 2009 is, of course, the death of Michael Jackson, King of Pop and all-around creepy man. We will all remember where we were when we heard the news that MJ was gone. I was in class. Someone got a message about it. I quickly confirmed the information with Qualler via text. Class was not canceled, but I felt that it should have been. May he rest in peace, and may 2010 bring many screenings of This Is It.

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  1. Blogger qualler | 9:10 AM |  

    I'm honored to have been the first one to text message you the fact that MJ had died!

  2. Blogger Papa Thor | 5:39 PM |  

    I remember in first grade the lady that lived across the street from the school came running in hysterical and told us that Kennedy had been shot. I remember my teacher slouching over and sobbing.
    So much more dramatic than getting a text, sometimes I miss the old days.

  3. Blogger qualler | 7:03 PM |  

    Oh Papa Thor, you don't know the power of the text message! You don't know our generation!

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