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Pop Fashion: America's Next Top Model, Shorty Style

Tyra Banks reminds us that she has ALWAYS been pushing the boundaries of what is considered beautiful. She’s tackled the fatties, the autistics, and now she’s moving on to the shorties. This two hour season premiere showcased 32 semi-finalists who will be narrowed down to 13 finalists, all of whom are under 5’7”.

I already hate Amber, age 18. She’s on America’s Next Top Model for Jesus Christ, and He will show her how He wants her to change the world. Apparently Jesus wants her to be the winner of America’s Next Top Model. She says that one is supposed to have a burning sensation for our Lord Jesus, not for another man. She made it through the first two rounds of cuts, despite the fact that her overt and vocal love of Jesus over anything else in her life was obviously annoying to Tyra, who no doubt felt threatened by the competition. After all, Tyra is the one making history here, the one who decides who is chosen, thankyouverymuch. As she called the name of the final girl in the final 14, she said “I know you’ve been through a lot, but I saw something special in you, and I chose you.” It was kinda creepy. Unlike Tyra, I do not dislike Amber at all for her religious zeal. I felt bad that the other girls were laughing at her. I do dislike her for her annoying personality and piercing voice. She was obviously chosen for the potential drama that her character would create on the show, but unfortunately she chose not to continue the competition due to “personal issues.” And that’s all we hear about Amber. I’m disappointed—I was looking forward to her antics. Alas, life goes on!

These girls say that they’re going to be inspirational because they are the size of “real girls.” I’ve never understood the whole height thing in the fashion world. I get the skinny thing. I do. It’s easier to dress a skinny girl. Garments typically look better on them. But tall girls? I guess they look better on the runway, but what about print? You can’t tell how tall a model is when you’re looking at a high fashion spread of the model with some handbags.

Tyra commented on one girl saying that she likes that she has no boobs. Um…yet another thing that real girls can look up to I guess?

One girl has been “doing math” since she was three years old. I’m not really sure what “doing math” means, but apparently it means she’s smart, which is good because modeling is an art, and to appreciate the arts, you have to be smart. Thanks for making the connection for me, Tyra.

I also already have a favorite! Her name is Nicole, and she’s really into eyeballs. Yes, eyeballs. You see, she was born with a bloody eyeball (my nurse friend assures me that “bloody eyeball” is not in fact a condition one is born with) and so her nickname when she was little was “bloody eyeball.” Best. Nickname. Ever. She also brings a large, rusty wheelbarrow to school instead of a back pack. I love her so much. She talks like she is on many downers.

Tyra kept talking in a fake French accent for some reason…she would talk in a French accent and say that she is “making history!”

Now, normally we have to wait at least two episodes for the makeover episode. However, the second half of this two hour premier was the makeover! Hooray! Normally, Tyra has prepared artists sketches of what the girls will look like with their makeovers. Not this time! This time Tyra discovered Microsoft Paint. She had the headshot of each girl and we got to see as she “drew” in awkward, squiggly lines what their new styles will look like. Microsoft Paint is a good tool, Tyra, but guess what? I already did that, last season.
Nicole said she wanted her head shaved because it would make things faster in the shower. Another girl remarked that Nicole made her nervous. They did not shave her hair, but they did give her a giant red lion mane. It did not look good.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a makeover without some tears! Bianca had her eyebrows bleached, and she couldn’t seem to get over it. Get over it, Bianca! All in the name of beauty (and Tyra Banks).

For the girls’ first photo shoot they had to recreate a photo from their childhoods. Because, they’re short, you see, so they’re still those same little girls…or something. I didn’t really see the connection with this one, but it was a unique idea. Most of the photos were interesting and tasteful, except one girl, who had to remake a photo of her as a toddler wearing a droopy diaper…except in the remake, she was wearing some giant white sexy (?) underpants. It made me uncomfortable. The judges didn’t enjoy her photo either, but for some reason that was her fault—not the fault of the giant underpants.

In the end Lisa was sent home. Bye Lisa! I don’t feel so badly that she was sent home when she said that she was most disappointed that she was going miss out on enjoying the really cool house with the other girls.

During the whole episode I kept waiting for a really good shot of Tyra amidst the short girls. I’m guessing, however, that she didn’t want to look like too much of a giant, so those shots were, for the most part, avoided. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled as the season continues for giant Tyra standing among the petite models!

My hopes for this season are high, but the drama so far is not…great. However, the photo shoot was innovative and creepy, and Tyra’s God complex seems to have increased since last cycle. Overall, I give the season premiere my second highest rating: Cast of Frasier.

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  1. Blogger Unknown | 11:46 AM |  

    It seems like it's impossible for Tyra to get more insane every year, but somehow she manages to do so. I wonder if she's turning to a witch like Maryann on True Blood. Ooooh, crossover????

  2. Blogger chris | 12:25 PM |  

    Maybe Tyra STOLE the Microsoft Paint idea after reading your blog posts about last season, Brigitte! Remember, the INTERNET is EVERYWHERE! Even celebrities read blogs.

    Ooh, if so, HI TYRA I LUV U.

  3. Blogger Papa Thor | 12:51 PM |  

    Hey Brigitte, what is your set of rankings?
    Also, I like short women, I used to live with three of them!

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