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Wedding Bells and Bitches

Well, blog-u-readers, we made it through 2008. Whew. And 2009 is sure starting off with a bang. We already have celebrity wedding bells ringing in the new year, plus the season premiere of everyone's favorite reality show, American Idol, went down this week.

Stacy "Fergie" Duhamel

2009 was the lucky year for Fergie. After five years of dating hubby Josh Duhamel, she finally hit that milestone every woman waits for her entire life. The story was reported in Minneapolis local paper, The Star Tribune, on Tuesday with plenty of excitement because Josh is a native of North Dakota - which is only one state away from Minnesota! From reading the story, I really get the sense that Josh has held on to his Midwestern roots. Thank goodness Hollywood didn't ruin him! In fact, it sounds like he is just a good old fashion "down to earth guy." Doing the math in the article, though, it did take him over 10 years to get his bachelor's degree from Minot State University. But regardless of his graduation plan, Fergie sees something in him. Hey, anyone who stands by you after you pee your pants on stage in front of thousands of people and have a picture of your wet crotch passed around the internet is a keeper. She may have a man face, but at least she's got the love of her life.

The Gazillionth Season of American Idol

American Idol began its 8th season Tuesday evening. Normally, I am disappointed by AI because it is super boring and Ryan Seacrest is a total douche, but this season's premiere actually had some pretty entertaining moments. Two in particular stood out to me:

Malibu Whore Bitch-Off

Who auditions for a singing competition in a bathing suit?! But then again, it's really not that shocking for American Idol. If there wasn't a screening process, I'm pretty sure a lot of people would audition naked - and apparently the sex appeal would work on the male judges. When one of the contestants wore a string bikini to the audition, Randi and Simon wanted to send her through to Hollywood almost immediately. And when it turned out that her voice was actually pretty good, the female judges got catty.

Kara DioGuardi, the newest judge on the AI panel, prefaced her generic, bitchy criticism that bikini girl was "just not that good" by assuring us that her critique did not stem from jealousy. Kara then proceeded to attempt to show her up by singing the same song better. Sh** really hit the fan, though, when bikini girl, with Simon's backing, told Kara that her performance was not that great either.

The best part about bikini girl was not the actual audition though. It was her follow-through on a promise to make out with confirmed bachelor, Ryan Seacrest upon making it to Hollywood. When she got her golden ticket, she tracked him down and planted one on him, with Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" edited into the scene, implying that either Ryan Seacrest was experimenting with girls for the first time or that he is a girl. Either way, it's fitting.

Inspirational High Five

The other entertaining moment of Tuesday night's show was the "inspirational blind man" they promoted before three different commercial breaks. Clearly AI has no idea how to handle disabilities. Idol producers described contestant Scott's appearance on the show as an "incredible journey." They said that "he's defied the odds," and that "the only thing equal to his courage is his incredible voice." In promoting his audition they said, "he's beaten his handicap; can he make it past the judges?"

Now I'm not arguing that life is tough for a blind person, but is auditioning for American Idol really that much more courageous if you're blind? Kara went so far as to say that Scott was so courageous to perform without an instrument, even though having an instrument would have probably made him more comfortable. Duh. ANYONE would be more comfortable having some accompaniment. That's the point of the audition. It's difficult to sing pop songs a capella.

Scott's voice was kind of boring voice, but of course the judges sent him through to Hollywood, which means that there is more non-PC production to come. Hurray. Ryan Seacrest was excited for Scott to make it to Hollywood too. So excited in fact that he tried to give Scott a high five, but realized his mistake half-way through and picked up Scott's hand, high fived him, and explained that he was giving him a high five.

By February, I predict the entire cast of AI will be enrolled in sensitivity training. Yes, oh yes, 2009 is off to a great start.

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  1. Blogger chris | 5:28 PM |  

    Best blog post title ever? Quite possibly.

    I love that within hours of the show airing you were able to find a picture of the bikini-clad American Idol contestant.

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