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Golden Globetrotters II: Electric Boogaloo

Hey, remember last year when the Golden Globes were cancelled because of the writers' strike? And we were all, "Wah wah wah! What if they cancel the Academy Awards now too?" and then when the actual awards came around, we were just kinda more like "hmmm, okay, maybe it's not that big of a deal"? Well, the 66th Annual Golden Globes were not cancelled, and...well...there it is. The Golden Globes. I was alternately pumped and bored by the events of last night. Here are some of the things that I must point out from last night's awards show, as they happened.

7:15 pm
First off, The Mentalist's Simon Baker. Chris aptly pointed out that there's something just a little untrustworthy about him, and he pointed out that it's because he looks a little too much like Billy Bush. Meanwhile, Eva Longoria's got some perfect, CGI-ed breasts, according to Brigitte.

I'm surprised that Jeremy Piven didn't win for the eleventy-billionth time for the totally ridiculous category, "Best Performance by an Actor in a SUpporting Role in a Series, Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television", aka a category where Neil Patrick Harris for How I Met Your Mother against Tom Wilkinson as Benjamin Franklin for John Adams (who won).

7:30 pm
Hayden Patenierre and...um...is that Milo Ventimiglia? Oh, it's Zac Efron.

So, Gabriel Byrne won the Best Actor - Drama award, and he's not there, because I heard that he also didn't show up at the HBO Television Critics Association because he had the flu, while they were talking about the new season of In Treatment, which is coming back in April, which I'm super excited about...I'm a nerd. Meanwhile, the acting-deficient Anna Paquin won for Best Actress in the occasionally-maligned-by-us but still pretty good True Blood, and even the presenters were shocked. And so was Ms. Paquin.

7:35 pm
Ricky Gervais, oh Ricky Gervais. You make everything more tolerable, especially when you take a swig of beer on stage. I am lamenting you not hosting the Oscars. Next up...The Jonas Brothers. Man, they are uuuuuuuuuugly. I did appreciate the shot of Billy Ray Cyrus in the background. And unsurprisingly, Blogulator best picture WALL-E won for best animated feature. (And we all agree, after seeing the awesome The Wrestler last night, we're wondering what the F we were thinking putting WALL-E on top...)

7:45 pm
Sally Hawkins for Happy-Go-Lucky, we pointed out her eerie similarities to a combination of Lacey Chabert as a child and Kate Beckinsale. 12-year-old Qualler who was in love with Lacey Chabert and 21-year-old Qualler in love with Kate Beckinsale rejoice!

7:50 pm
Unlike the divine Sally Hawkins, Jake Gyllenhaal has aged poorly. His mouth seems to have grown twice as large as it was circa Donnie Darko.

Unsurprisingly, John Adams won for Best Miniseries / Movie, which is fine, but I just realized that there was no love for Generation Kill. Ah, David Simon / Ed Burns, no one loves you guys, do they? I mean, besides scores of bloggers and media all over the place. Whatevs.

Heath Ledger also won for Best Supporting Actor, which is cool. How the F did I rank WALL-E over The Dark Knight on my list again? Looks like The Blogulator has some serious revisionist history coming up.

8:00 pm
Commercial break. Seeing the promo for the new season of The Celebrity Apprentice reminds me that NBC will soon be turning over it's 9 pm Central time slot to Jay Leno 5 nights a week. I assume The Apprentice won't be going anywhere soon, and neither will Deal or No Deal. Will NBC soon become 24 hours worth of The Donald, Jay, and Howie Mandel, until they morph into one weird-looking semi-bald, big chinned, fat-faced television presence? It seems inevitable.8

8:05 pm
Collin Farrell announces the Best Foreign Language Film, cuz, he's from Scotland or something! Foreigner, right?

8:20 pm
We are in the midst of a "what actor or actress can we all agree on doesn't suck?" The only two people we've agreed upon are Christian Bale and Tina Fey. And almost Alec Baldwin, but Nicole is a little bit skittish on him. Yes, we at The Blogulator are pretentious jerks.

8:30 pm
Thankfully, Sven Sundegaard of NBC KARE-11 pissed me off enough with his weather promo that I got my blood boiling a little bit ("Snow tonight, then more cold...details at 10"...WHY DO WE NEED MORE DETAILS FOR THE WEATHER THAN THAT?!?!? YOU JUST DESCRIBED THE WEATHER TO ME!!!!!)
Renee Zellweger is wearing a dress that can only be described by Chris by saying "Is Renee Zellweger playing The Penguin in the new Batman movie?" Meanwhile, Megan Fox and Terrance Howard is a weird combo.

8:35 pm
"I love post-racial America. Deal with it, Cate Blanchette!!!" Tracy Morgan is insane, and provided the second funny moment of the awards tonight.

Another thing we all agree on -- we all like 30 Rock. Hey, we're not so different after all, are we?

8:45 pm
The REAL Kate Beckinsale is with P. Diddy. I miss that P. Diddy Pepsi commercial with Prez from The Wire. This soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire sounds pretty bangin'.

8:50 pm
Commercial time again, this time for Friday Night Lights. Does anybody else get the feeling that NBC isn't going to bother keeping any scripted television around when Jay/Howie/Donald take over? Why even bother starting to watch any of these shows when they're going to be gone soon anyway?

8:55 pm
Another thing we can agree upon -- the Cecil B. DeMille award for Steven Spielberg is a snoozefest. Breaaaaaaak time!

9:15 pm
Danny Boyle wins the Golden Globe for Best Director, AND, according to The Blogulator staff here, Ugliest Director. Says Lady Amy: "That's a tough one to win!"

Meanwhile, Sigorney Weaver is wearing a dress that Lady Amy says she wouldn't let her mom wear to The Olive Garden, let alone the Golden Globes.

9:20 pm
Another agreement...we all agree on hating Collin Farrell. We do also agree that we'd like to go to Bruges some day. And, maybe, see In Bruges some time, too. Bah.

9:30 pm
Salma Hayak talking about Penelope Cruz....rawr!!! The more I think about it, the more I love Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Ah Woody, how can you tease us with your talent so much? I love that Letty Aronson (Woody's sister / producer) is accepting the award for Vicky -- totes family resemblances!

9:35 pm
Commercial break -- Arby's is now doing a 4 for $5 deal. THAT makes seonse -- you can't split 5 Arby's items between two people, and you can't eat 5 Arby's items yourself. Well done, Arby's.

9:40 pm
I may not be winning the Golden Globes pool tonight, but I'm totes thrilled for Kate Winslet winning ANOTHER Golden Globe. Next stop, Oscar? God, I'm in love with her. Schwing!

9:45 pm
Mad Men won again, and they're all a lot uglier in real life than on the show (except Elizabeth Moss' Peggy! Hot!) Matthew Weiner, please sign up for Season Three ASAP.

9:50 pm
It's the homestretch, and Mickey Rourke just won for best actor. We're all gonna start crying from how freaking sad The Wrestler is and it's a damn brilliant movie and maybe it's my favorite movie of 2008 now? and SEE THIS MOVIE!! Please. Oh, and Darren Aranofsky just flipped off live TV, which is awesome. Pay up some FCC fines, NBC. That's karma, bitches.

9:55 pm
And the best picture is...Slumdog Millionaire. No big shocker, again.

And that's it, folks. Was it worth it? For Chris' Golden Globe cookies and mashed potato martinis, yes. And for seeing Danny Boyle, The Ugliest Director Ever, be on stage twice, yes. Next year, though, I expect some Golden Globetrotters.

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  1. Anonymous OHD | 12:02 PM |  

    You know what was better than anything anybody SAID at the Golden Globes? Drew Barrymore's Katherine Heigl costume. It was bang on!

  2. Anonymous LQ | 12:56 PM |  

    I don't regret my decision to watch 24 instead.

  3. Blogger chris | 8:18 PM |  

    With Slumdog taking home the top prize, will we officially have good movies winning Best Picture for THREE years in a row in February?

    THATSKWAZY.

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