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Played Out: Endless Ocean

I just got home from an awesome Brewers game, and boy are my arms tired...
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Well, apparently my September favorites over there on the sidebar are cursed. GFW Radio (aka "The Brodeo") ended last week after 2 of the main podcasters left for new jobs. Ostensibly a PC gaming podcast, it had transformed into a freeform discussion on pretty much anything concerning our generation, and I enjoyed listening to their honest opinions and absurdist worldviews (one in the same?) delivered through conversation, rather than overproduced claptrap.

Meanwhile, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is receiving another volume, despite its progenitor Douglas Adams passing away in 2001. The book has been commissioned by Adams' wife, and it's not like there was any concrete canon to the content (Hitchhiker's Guide varied a lot over its various television, radio, book, CD-ROM, etc. media); still, I was happy at the end, even if Adams wasn't. He consistently stated that the last book was a bit darker than he later preferred, but I thought it ended perfectly. Oh well. Maybe I'm just being a Marvin.

And Bionic Commando: Rearmed? Uhhh... I died a lot while beating it. Death is inherently cursed, as we're constantly reminded when Scooby and the gang run across Indian burial grounds.

Just hope that none of my October favorites are "your mom."
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Endless Ocean

I've been pondering just how exactly I should go about my video game features. I could pursue "new video game journalism," connecting the in-game experience with personal ethos, but a lot of people are already doing that better. I could come up with a gimmick, such as photographing myself in game-related cosplay; however, this first game alone would have forced me into what is legitimately the only swimsuit I own sans holes - a red speedo. And who would take the picture? My mom? My cat? All dangerous possibilities...

So instead, for now at least, I'm just going to describe the general persona of Endless Ocean for the Wii: It's a game where you pet fish.


The entirety of the game consists of you (the player) researching underwater life in the beautiful yet fictional Manoa Lai sea. Even when diving to its deepest depths and encountering the ocean's most grotesque creatures (insert joke), you are accompanied by soothing pop opera and a reality where death is not an option. Just jump in with your dolphin buddy, find some fish, and learn about them. By petting them.

There is a light frame story accompanying this simple gameplay, spearheaded by your crewmate Kat, a girl who can't swim, wears short shorts, and is somehow avenging her father's legacy. However, I worry that - with predators like polar bears casually appearing, hanging out on my boat, and being petted - at some point the carnal instincts not being demonstrated by the ocean fauna will be released upon her. For now, society has conditioned Calvin (my avatar) to resist. Calvin is wholly satisfied with taking Italian models out on pleasure dives and teaching tricks to Bageera, his pet false killer whale (pictured). As Kat philosophized upon Calvin's arrival in Manoa Lai, "After living out here, I could never imagine working in an office." Amen and aloha. I just hope that office life isn't the only thing keeping Calvin grounded in the society protecting you...


How did this turn so dark? I meant to herald the game as the perfect pre-sleep relaxant. Instead, I've stumbled across the one area of new games journalism I do not want to be, where Oedipal desires dominate reason. Maybe I should have just let my mom photograph me in my speedo...

Somewhere in here there's a real review, where I investigate the title of the game, sourcing it to a phrase in the Ecco the Dolphin instruction booklet that cites the ocean to be endless. There were also plans to segue from my previous commentary on the intrinsic humanity of nature into my enjoyment of a game that (like Pokemon Snap and the soon-to-be-released Afrika) actually provides little more than polygon-based animals capable of clipping through one another.

None of that happened. I apologize. Here is what really happens when animals go through my mind:

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  1. Blogger qualler | 2:14 AM |  

    Congrats Brew Crew on your own walkoff win tonight. The Twinkies got one, too. Suck it, New York Mets! Suck it, Chicago White Sox!

  2. Blogger Sean | 10:21 AM |  

    hahahah, that animal video is deranged.

  3. Blogger chris | 12:17 PM |  

    I cannot stress enough how important it is for everyone's soul, mind, and body to watch that video. Life-changing.

    I like oceans!

  4. Blogger qualler | 6:56 PM |  

    Hahahahahahaha....hahahahaha....greatest video ever. Chris is correct.

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