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Played Out: XBox Live Parties

Instead of offering you some deeper glimpse into the video game industry - its origins, its futures, its pasts that aren't necessarily included in its origins but are still noteworthy - I've decided this week to offer you a deeper glimpse into something far more complex and far more connected to humanity's progression.

That's right. Once again I'm talking about myself.

But wait, you in the audience who have begun to rustle your coats! What I am presenting to you is no mere exercise in arrogance. In fact, it is a two person adventure, presented through dialogue and aimed to enlighten you as to how the disillusioned spend their sordid evenings. The XBox - a modern marvel many of you may have seen advertised down in the local steamyard - has a "Party" feature whereby an individual and his friends can get together and enjoy each other's company. Simply plug in a headset (included), press a few buttons, et voila! The obvious use would be to communicate whilst playing a multiplayer game. Via the Netflix feature, attendees can also sit down in a virtual theater and watch a moving picture with their faraway acquaintances. However, none of this complicated coordination is necessary. Enjoyment can be had by simply chatting with other partygoers as you play your solo, separate game. Think of it as a telephone, sans the handset, plus a controller, plus a console, plus a television, plus the internet, sans pants.

Enter myself (code-named "Ice" for the purposes of this script) and my friend "Yaba" (possibly not a code name). Ice and Yaba have spent many of their recent weekends attending each other's XBox parties. Let's listen in on how the events always play out...

ACT 1
Ice and Yaba sit miles across space and time in their respective armoires, which they each individually mistook for chairs when ordering and have consequently turned sideways and filled with pillows. Time reconnects and they keep sitting. Yaba invites Ice to an XBox Live party. Ice joins.

Ice - Heeeeeyyy!
Yaba - Hey! Can you hear me?
Ice - Yeah. Can you hear me?
Yaba - Are you there? Can you hear me?
(This goes on for five minutes)
Ice - Hello?
Yaba - Ha! I could hear you the whole time.
Ice - I knew it. Me too.
Yaba - Cool.
Ice - So how was that place you went?
Yaba - Suuucked.
Ice - Cool.
Yaba - What's new with you?
Ice - I watched a television show.
Yaba - Cool. Did I ask if you watch The Walking Dead yet?
Ice - Yes.

ACT 2
Ice - Is your girlfriend there, Yaba?
Yaba - Yup. She just got back from the dentist. AGAIN!
Ice - Tell her to bake you something.
Yaba - I can't do that. She'll yell at me.
Ice - Fine.
Yaba (to girlfriend) - Hey honey: Will you bake me something? (to Ice) She said no.
Ice - Then ask her this other stupid question I just made up about beans.
Yaba - You know I can't do that... (to girlfriend) Hey honey: What do you think about beans? (to Ice) She says she likes some of them.
Ice (laughs) - Nice. Hey, aren't you going to that other place this weekend?
Yaba - Sure am.
Ice - You should tell that bird joke as soon as you walk in the door.
Yaba - Which one?
Ice - You know the one.
Yaba - What has one beak and two bones?
Ice - That's the one. It will make you super popular.
Yaba - Me doing a chicken!

ACT 3
Yaba - S*#!
Ice - Oh you must be playing that game you hate but always play because you want to beat it.
Yaba - It makes me so angry.
Ice - Hey! That guy from high school signed on. Should I invite him to the party?
Yaba - I hate that guy.
Ice - Our XBox parties rule.
Yaba - S*#!

ACT 4
(Yaba whistles.)
Ice - Hey! Is that our friend who whistles who I know isn't actually here whistling because he's not online?
Yaba - Nope. It's just me.
Ice - Aww.
(Friend signs on.)
Ice & Yaba (together) - FRIEND!
(Friend is invited to the party and joins.)
Friend (whistling) - Hey, guys. I was actually gonna watch a movie...
Yaba - I could watch a movie.
Ice - What did you eat tonight, Friend?
Friend - Thai food.
Yaba - I call it Yaba Thai.
Ice - That joke doesn't make sense in this script because we're using code names.
Yaba - Oh.
(Friend, Yaba, and Ice watch Paycheck. Friend enjoys the movie, whilst Yaba and Ice spend a majority of the time making their onscreen avatars do stupid gestures. A good time is had by all.)

ACT 5
Yaba - I'm gonna leave soon.
Ice - Okay.
(West Coast Guy signs on.)
Ice & Yaba (together) - WEST COAST GUY!
(West Coast Guy is invited to party and joins.)
West Coast Guy - What's happening, fellas?
Yaba - I'm going to bed.
West Coast Guy - So early? Oh...
(A five minute discussion of time zones occurs. Time zone jokes are also said.).
West Coast Guy - Before you go, you should watch my Hollywood thing.
Ice - I watched part of it.
West Coast Guy - Not good enough, jerk. Anyway, I have to go hang out on location now. Peace.
(West Coast Guy signs off.)
Yaba - Now I'm really going to bed.
Ice - Cool.
Yaba - Ciaozers.
Ice - Don't forget your trousers.

FIN

Sounds pretty awesome, doesn't it? Well, I have some incredible news for you. This entire article was actually a job posting, as both Yaba and myself have decided we desperately need a hot girl to round out our gang. Think you can add something (aka boobs) to this already double-stuffed repartee? Let us know by sending me your picture. XBox parties may be an aural medium, but I prefer not to suffer from NPR whiplash (you know what I'm talking about). No experience required! However, preference will be given to individuals who are Hayley Williams.

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  1. Blogger P. Arty | 10:30 AM |  

    HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Really amazing work here, Ice!! You literally had me in tears. I had to stop reading several times so I wouldn't completely lose it. You've really captured the essence of our parties perfectly in just five acts!

    Also, great endorsement for our Xbox parties. Hopefully Chris and Qualler finally buy Xbox'z!

    Can't wait for the next party! Hopefully with boobs!

  2. Blogger qualler | 10:01 PM |  

    Whistlin' Baby Jones just finished his/her chores and is ready to join in on an XBox party!

  3. Blogger DoktorPeace | 3:33 PM |  

    Is Whistlin' Baby Jones a girl? Or is that you? Cuz either way, I still see some grime around the toilet bowl needs cleaning.

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