Kids Today: Oh, Lindsay...

We all know that our favorite star, Lindsay Lohan, hasn't gotten a lot of work lately. But a straight to ABC Family movie? Really, Lindsay? Are your Mean Girls glory days really that far behind you? It seems like only yesterday I was watching you on the big screen. And tonight, I eased into my comfy couch, with my popcorn and chocolate milk, to watch the much publicized ABC Family flick, Labor Pains.

Lindsay plays an underdog, unappreciated lacky who is struggling to make ends meet and supporting her troubled teenage sister by working for a powerful and cartoonish villian played by Chris Parnell. The whole premise of the story is that Lindsay's character pretends to be pregnant so that her boss can't fire her. But here's the little bit that I don't get...her boss was going to fire her because he overheard her badmouthing him in the ladies' room!!! I'm pretty sure she could make a case about that...did she really have to pretend to be pregnant to avoid getting fired? Isn't it illegal (or at least frowned upon) to fire someone because you overheard them saying something mean about you in the bathroom? (Jessica, I'm looking at you for answers.)

Lindsay works at some sort of publishing house, and of course the news travels quickly around the office. Her best friend, played by Cheryl Hines (if you're wondering why these people are doing ABC Family original films, well...the recession's hit us all, people), is in on the secret and helps her pretend to be pregnant. It's hilarious as the lie grows (pun intended) and it becomes more difficult to keep up the farce. Cheryl tries to convince her that it'll all blow over in a couple days (cause people so easily forget a pregnancy announcement) but of course it doesn't. So, they go to a maternity store and steal a fake stomach off a mannequin. Another thing that I find hard to swallow: one day she has totally flat abs, the next day she has a baby bump, and again, no one is suspicious? Everyone is nicer to her at the office, people give up seats for her on the bus, and her landlord finally stops nagging her about paying the rent (he tells her not to worry and to just take care of herself...cause landlords have an unspoken code about not asking for rent from pregnant women). Looks like being pregnant isn't so bad! What could go wrong...

What starts to go wrong is that while the mean boss Chris Parnell is out of town for awhile (his dog was involved in an accident that didn't in any way help to further the plot...) the young, handsome accountant (yes, accountant) Nick is seizing this opportunity to bring in an author that the mean boss didn't like. It just so happens that this author is writing a book about pregnancy. So, of course, handsome young boss wants Lindsay to accompany him on any outings when he tries to convince this author to let them publish her book. Lindsay is promoted to be in charge of the publishing house's new family division and a romance seems to spark between her and the cute young accountant (who as it turns out always wanted to be a writer).

Another thing that struck me as strange is that Lindsay's boyfriend, Miles, is totally cool with the fake pregnancy and plays along with not only the pregnancy but being her fiance at office parties. Unfortunately he pushes her in a pool in front of everyone and thus ends the relationship with Miles. Now she's free to pursue cute accountant Nick. Things are suddenly going so well for Lindsay! She's doing well at work, has a new, better love interest...but how much longer can she keep up the lie? Won't people, at some point, expect a baby?

As the movie continues, Lindsay starts to act like she really is preggers. She thinks that her success is all due to her pregnancy (in some ways it is...) and doesn't see that she doesn't need the fake belly--all she needed was to believe in herself! It's kind of like how Dumbo didn't really need the "magic feather" to fly--he just needed some confidence. Oh wait, it's not like that at all. It's more like she lied about being pregnant and took that lie way too far. Her sister got fed up with her lies and tore up her fake belly, so she had to use a balloon in a pinch so that she could attend another work party. Of course, the balloon popped, and she was exposed. How will she ever fix things now?

I don't want to spoil the ending, but it does involve one last-ditch crazy stunt involving lots of babies and Janeane Garofalo (I was as confused as you are). Actually, I will spoil the ending, because you'll never watch this. Cute accountant Nick and Lindsay's character end up happily in love, all forgiven, thanks to Lindsay appearing on Janeane Garofalo's talk show to talk about the pregnancy book that they published together. Yay! In fact, she didn't even lose her job. She continued to work at the firm, and the movie ended with a look two years later, when Lindsay really is pregnant with Nick's baby, and all the co-workers are surrounding her, helping her through her labor.

So I guess the moral of the story is that if you tell a crazy lie to keep your job, things can only end up amazingly well for you. And when the lie blows up in your face, those people you lied to will completely forgive you, and eventually that very lie will come true, and the silly fake pregnancy will just be something you laugh about together at company picnics. The other moral is that if you do too much coke and spend too much time in the tabloids, you'll end up doing ridiculous movies on ABC Family.

This entry was posted by Brigitte, on Thursday, July 23, 2009. You can leave your response.