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Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Feel Good About Yourself Because You're Not THAT Ugly Edition)

If television and movies can be trusted, then logic would dictate that "never been kissed" is a term reserved for geeky women who simply need to take off the braces and reveal their secretly super-hot inner Drew Barrymore to finally triumph over all those bitches who were keeping them down. But last week I learned something else about those who suffer a smoochless existence. Sometimes, they are actually mildly overweight, middle-aged women with caterpillar eyebrows and mop top haircuts even my grandma would laugh at. And sometimes, just sometimes, those women actually have something to offer the world.

Now you might be asking yourself, like much of nation is right now, "can ugly women really be talented?" Shockingly, the answer is yes. Yes, last week the world's collective socks were literally knocked off when the YouTube video of ugly duckling, Susan Boyle singing on Britain's Got Talent finally reached us across the pond. Check out the performance here:

For extra bitchy eye rolls, check out the full version here: Susan Boyle. No embed, sorry.

For the first time since America Ferrera took to the screen we've come to realize that underneath those hideous exteriors, some fat/ugly/old/insert-insult-here women can actually perform jobs that we thought only hot people could do. I believe this is the very definition of the underdog: some crazy lady gets up on stage to do something that no woman looking like that should have the guts to do, bitchy eye rolls ensue as the crowd totally underestimates her, and then BAM - she blows you away with her angelic voice. Even Simon Cowell was fawning like a school boy (literally resting his head on his hands and sighing) while Piers Morgan swallowed the lump in his throat to avoid crying on national television and Amanda Holden did the only thing a hot actress can do when faced with a talented uggo - a patronizing standing ovation before the song is even finished.

So what does a post-Susan Boyle world look like? Is it as enlightened as we'd all hope? You be there judge. Here are some of the Boyle highlights from the past week or so...

Makeover, Makeover

Duh, of course the first thing you do with an ugly person is make them over. They may have won the crowd over once with that whole don't underestimate me schtick, but it won't last forever.

Match Maker

The next step is to try to pair an ugly person up with an equally ugly and talented person. Looks like Simon's already on that one.

Ugly People Impersonating Even Uglier People

Finally, it wouldn't be fame if some lame-ass comedian didn't make fun of you. Here's Jay Leno's uncanny resemblance.

I hope we've all learned a good lesson about our bodies today. Have a good day, folks.

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  1. Anonymous Anonymous | 10:16 AM |  

    People like me, weeping to the video in their cubicles, are the reason for all the uproar.

    It makes me cry every time!!

  2. Blogger chris | 1:26 PM |  

    Ugh The Today Show's coverage of this was the worst. One of the questions they asked in her in an interview was seriously, "What is it like to not have the looks of a singer, but to still be incredibly talented?"

    Uhhh it's pretty all right?

    Apparently all it takes is one person to make America totally unashamed about its inability to separate talent and beauty.

  3. Blogger Sean | 1:27 PM |  

    beauty is a talent.

  4. Blogger Sean | 5:01 PM |  

    i was being serious, chris.

  5. Blogger Lady Amy | 5:03 PM |  

    what about inner beauty, sean?

  6. Blogger Sean | 5:05 PM |  

    a myth created by the madison avenue types to sell diaries to little girls.

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