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The Dark Side of Cable


NOTE: The publishers of the Blogulator found this post scrunched up somewhere around Qualler's desk. We found him at his desk, mumbling to himself things like "The answer is 'C'"and yelling to no one in particular things like "RARGENFLARGEN!!!!!!!!" We're not sure if this was the result of overwork exhaustion or the anger caused by something he recently saw on cable, but the fact that he then decided to take a nap under the table tells us that Qualler is taking a short hiatus from blogging until October 27. We tried to transcribe the following post the best we could. We're sorry.

Hey gang. Now, I know I've ranted and raved about the great things that cable can bring to a person. But, there are downsides to cable, too. For one, there is a non-stop stream of advertising in your home, the quiet, peaceful place you go to rest your head after a long day of work. I mean, I don't want the Neutrogena Lash Blast or whatever! Leave me alone. But, honestly, there's also a lot of really, really bad shows out there, too. And, bad shows, annoying people, poor decisions made by networks, you name it, it's out there. Allow me to recount the ways things suck.

Bad movies on the movie channels
Yeah, there are occasionally some good shows on these channels, like Dexter and stuff. But, for every one good hour of TV, there are about 296 hours worth of craptastic movies on. Take, for example, Bee Movie. This movie, which came out last year, is really, really bad. It literally causes pain in my body. I can actually feel Jerry Seinfeld frantically mugging for me through the insides of my body. "GET IT?!" he says in my dreams. "THEY'RE PLAYING 'MY CANDY GIRL' BY THE ARCHIES CUZ, YOU KNOW, I'M A BEE!!!" He also stops to explain how a regular bee would "TOTALLY LOVE CINNABUNS, CUZ, THEY'RE JUST SUGAR AND A BEE LOVES SUGAR AND" then I turn off the TV. ROAR.


Comedy on CNN?!
Seriously! "D.L. Hughley Breaks the News" premieres on Saturday night, October 25, on CNN! COMEDY! ON A NEWS NETWORK!! ISN'T THAT TOTALLY GROUNDBREAKING?!?!? I dunno, to me, this show, designed to be an unconventional look at the news, sounds a tee bit derivative. Says CNN/U.S. president Jon Klein, "D.L. is a news junkie who is bursting with things to say about what is going on in the world -- most of them funny, all of them thoughtful, none of them predictable." Wow, so, you're telling me, there's going to be a show where they talk about the news, then a guy, probably a comedian, comes in and gives his own skewed view of those news items, probably with some kind of joke involved?!?!?!? IT'S ON EVERY OTHER CHANNEL, AND NONE OF THOSE CHANNELS ARE NEWS CHANNELS!!!!!!! AAAAALJDSLFKJDSF!!!!!!!


Ian McShane Showing Up in Children's Movies, After I Watched Deadwood A Lot
Right after I watched another great, absolutely magnificent episode of Deadwood on my DVR (here's a fairly spoiler-free scene for those uninitiated), I changed the channel to HBO Family to find Ian McShane, aka Al Swearengen in some children's movie, The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. He was encouraging some little boy to be the best little boy he could be, RIGHT AFTER he got done calling someone a cocksucker on the episode I watched. (I left the swear in because it's what Deadwood creator David Milch would want me to do.) Now, there's nothing wrong with being in children's movies, EXCEPT that it reminds me of the fact that either HBO decided or David Milch decided to pull the plug on Deadwood after three seasons and not give it a proper "series finale." Now, this Christmas, HBO is releasing a "complete series" boxed set, along with Milch explaining what would have happened on the series finale, had it been made. YEAH, I WANNA WATCH 36 EPISODES OF A SHOW JUST TO WATCH THE WRITER TALK ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD THEY MADE A SERIES FINALE!!!!!! SKjfalsdkjf;owajfa;odsjfdsaf (barely controlled rage now...) (Also, if you don't mind a little teeny spoiler, Kristen Bell had a fantastic guest turn on a few eps.)

VH1 Reality Shows
SOME GUY WHO WAS WALKING REALLY SLOWLY IN FRONT OF ME AT THE STORE IN DOWNTON MPLS WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW MC HAMMER AND THAT LOSER COREY FELDMAN HAD TO GO CAMPING AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN PITCH A TENT AND MAN THEY'RE IDIOTS MEANWHILE I'M TRYING TO BUY MY FOOD SO I CAN GET BACK TO WORK AND STUDY AND WHY IS THIS SOCIETY BUILT AROUND CRAPTASTIC TV SHOWS ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DESPITE MAKING POOR CAREER MOVES ARE STILL MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN YOU ARE THIS IA SDLKJASD;LKFJDSALFJADS;LJFSALDJFWAEFJSAONVA

Below this scrawl are a few hasty sketches of bombs exploding televisions across the country. Whew. I think Qualler needs a break. Let's give him a break for a week and a half. In the meantime, enjoy this "new skool" version of "My Candy Girl", video done by a superfan of Ashley Tisdale. I know you'll enjoy this, DoktorPeace.

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  1. Blogger Unspar! | 8:37 AM |  

    I'm thinking about destroying and/or selling my television. Good idea or bad idea, blogulator?

  2. Blogger DoktorPeace | 8:49 AM |  

    Televisions are for video games, unspar. Your decision rests with them.

    It's possible that I could love that Tisdale video, if I didn't feel glaucomized while watching it. I've read a few interviews this week in which Ashely states how hilarious she thinks it is that fans think she's jealous of Zac and Vanessa's love.

    She's dying inside.

    I watched High School Musical 2. It's unwatchable.

  3. Blogger qualler | 9:15 AM |  

    Unspar, I think it's your prerogative, but for every ten hours of Bee Movie out there, there's still a good hour of Twin Peaks. I would just wean yourself off of watching the crap and save yourself for the good stuff -- no need to destroy or sell your television. Plus, then you'd be like all those pretentious stuffy people who say "I don't watch television, I don't even own a television", and no one likes that guy.

  4. Blogger chris | 1:43 PM |  

    Not even bee PUNS, just constant references to sugar? Why is he wearing a graduation cap?!

    Deadwood doesn't have an ending?! Oh boy that's gotta be frustrating.

    I own my TV for three things: 1) falling asleep to Letterman/Conan, 2) watching DVDs, and 3) connecting it to my laptop to watch streaming shows/movies. It's worth keeping for that, but I hear where you're coming from, Unspar.

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