Summer Brings Killer Summer Blockbuster Soundtracks. Or, Superman Is So Emo

I remember a day when movie soundtracks made me feel edgy. That's right. The moment I received the Home Alone 2: Lost in New York soundtrack as a gift, I knew I was in for some tasty musical treats that I wouldn't otherwise have heard on the local pop radio station. (Check it -- a new single by Nine Inch Nails on the Lost Highway soundtrack that my parents totally won't be able to see cuz they just look at the album cover and make sure there aren't any naked body parts or parental advisory stickers on it! Y'all parents got PUNK'D!) In honor of the newest superhero phenomenon (SUPERMAN, duh!), The Blogulator would like to take you through a guided tour of the best in edgy soundtracks that totally got you into music you wouldn't have otherwise heard.

LAST ACTION HERO
The cover pretty much says it all. A guy named "Buckethead?" Yeah, that's right, and the 'rents TOTALLY don't know about the whole listening to MEGADETH and ALICE IN CHAINS and especially CYPRESS HILL because they're too busy looking at that triumphant picture of Arnie savin' some kid who's probably also listening to that edgy music. Oh yeah, and did I mention that the soundtrack features TWO Alice in Chains songs? Including one with the word "HELL" in the title?! Keep this one on the down low, cuz it's too edgy for mass comsumption. Oh, and did I mention I have this one filed next to The Bodyguard soundtrack? Yeah, sometimes you've gotta listen to the ballads, so what???

THE CABLE GUY
Oh MAN a-NOTHER Cypress Hill track! It's too bad they don't have that song about killin' a man on it, or that song where they're talking about goin' insane and stuff, cuz I'd totally listen to that one after listening to Green Day just to mix things up a bit. Did I mention yet that this soundtrack also features an edgy-yet-brooding-yet-contemplative solo track from Alice in Chains mastermind Jerry Cantrell? Yeah, everybody thinks Layne Staley is the main guy, but now that I have the soundtrack, I knows who the real master is. And some band named Porno for Pyros? OOOOH SNAP! Plus, I'm totally into Silverchair and I gotta hear all their stuff, even if it's b-side material. And Toadies totally blew my mind with that song about vampires and dying and stuff and they've probably been busy recording their new masterpiece but made time for this one. Oh, and can you BEAT a HILARIOUS Jim Carrey singing "Somebody to Love" juxtaposed next to the hit single by that kinda different electronic-kinda band Primative Radio Gods? Man, that song title is LONG! And that makes it cool.

BATMAN FOREVER
Think it's a coincidence that Jim Carrey shows up here twice? Cuz it's NOT! His humor is totally different from what you see from those boring Full House people, and the music on his movie soundtracks follows suit. Like that PJ Harvey person -- I heard she was really cool and TOTALLY underground from my brother's copy of Rolling Stone. And U2's cool too -- music videos that are cartoons are always cool. Plus, sometimes you just gotta chill to some good ballads -- and Seal's "Kiss By a Rose" is a GOOD BALLAD! Man, that band Sunny Day Real Estate seems alright, but it kinda takes a while for that song to take off. Good thing THE OFFSPRING shows up to SMASH IT UP! Oh yeah, and The Flaming Lips, they did that song about jelly, that's neat.

SPIDER-MAN 2
Man, it's totally hard to be a superhero. Luckily, we have Dashboard Confessional to tell us how hard it is. And this, oh yes, this is the first big soundtrack to not only feature music FROM, but music INSPIRED BY the motion picture. Being a superhero is hard, though, dudes. Good thing hope dangles on a string and what have you. Plus, there's a song by Train, that's cool But, music inspired by? That kinda makes you think...you know what would be a good idea? A PRE-soundtrack! You know, to get you ready for the real soundtrack, and pull out some songs inspired by the movie that hasn't been released yet.

SOUND OF SUPERMAN
Product Description:
The indefatigable Superman legend and brand returns to the big screen this year with the highly anticipated film Superman Returns, starring Brandon Routh as the Man of Steel. In celebration of this latest chapter in an incredible super-hero legacy, 14 hot new bands step out of the phone booth and into the spotlight to deliver a spiritied, Superman-inspired song. Ranging from reinventions of super-powered classics ("My Hero", "Superman") to all-new songs dedicated to Clark Kent's alter-ego (The Spill Canvas, Motion City Soundtrack, Jack's Mannequin, American Hi-Fi), Rhino's unique disc salutes a legend and sends young WMG-affiliated bands souring to new heights. Do I even NEED to mention that this sweet-as-kryptonite pre-soundtrack features crappy emo band covers of "Waitin' for a Superman" by The Flaming Lips? Yeah, THOSE Flaming Lips from the Batman Forever soundtrack. Bravo.

actually, Cliff is a good friend of ours. he sometimes hangs out and watches TBS with us.

so we drove through all that fog, and sure enough, Cliff was standing there with a flat on the side of the road.

"chris and qualler of chris and qualler's pop culture blogulator aka city pages' minnesota blog of the day from the recent past! how you jokin' smokers been?"

"squiggied-out. we've been driving for like two months straight questin' for some wi-fi so we can finally post again."

"gnarly. i totally got SPIKED on the road. and when i say 'i,' i am referring to my vespa."

"leave that spayed cat's vee-kill behind, Cliff. hop on our Tandem Bicycle Shithouse, or 'TBS' as we acronymized it after our favorite home for televised edited almost-recognizable motion pictures."

"what the hell did you just say?"

at this point, we bust out our powerpoint and eduCARE the crap out of Cliff:

[slide 1]
THESIS: TBS rawks 'cuz it done shows only movies that you kind of remember, but not really. like you see a bunch of semi-famous people's faces, but you really don't ever remember any recent movie that has both jamie kennedy and david morse in it. and then you REALLY wanna look it up on imdb, but your computer's way over there. so you just painfully sit through it until some lame-ass VJ-wannabe tells you what movie you're watching and loosely connects some random cajun recipe to the film's narrative. it's like some kind of lame drinking game without the booze and other people to compete against.

[slide 2]

Q: this started it all a while back. what the sludge is the movie with courtney love and charlize theron? feeling minnesota? or was that camera diaz? wait, what? kevin bacon is a kidnapper too? haha i can't wait for firewall to come out. was this in theatres? oh yeah (falls asleep). (wakes up 20 minutes later). oh crap, did this movie start over? oh wait, no, the last scene is just the same setting as the first. whew, that was close. wow i really hate charlize theron.

A: trapped

[slide 3]

Q: this started the trend back up a few months
later. jamie kennedy knows a lot about computers? enemy of the state? there's david morse playing the possibly-morally ambiguous side character. i think he was in enemy of the state too. right? where's jack black? i'm bored. wait, enemy of the states WAS will smith, not jamie foxx, right? i'm getting my black-guy-on-the-run movies confused. haha remember that afternoon you watched running scared with richard pryor and billy crystal? or was it gregory hines? doesn't matter, they're both dead. FOCUS. WHERE IS JACK BLACK?!?! oh wait, (thinks of video box covers). FLED? no, that's larry fishburne and a baldwin. but it is one syllable...BAIT! that's it! wait, i thought that was a comedy with jamie foxx as an outlaw. no, that's...that's....HELD UP! i watched that one afternoon too. fuck, i need to stop watching tbs.

A: bait

[slide 4]

Q: this is later that afternoon. back to tbs. little girl picked up at school by hugh jackman? strings swelling? is he already doing glorified lifetime movies? blah blah strained father-daughter relationship. is the mom someone famous? is that the little girl from school of rock? remember when you got SO mad that jack black didn't show up earlier this afternoon? oh man i can't wait for nacho libre. DON CHEADLE??? what??? now he's driving him off the road?!?! so this is an action movie? geeze...wait, hugh jackman is a computer genius?? a hacker of sorts? i thought antitrust was a bunch of 20-somethings...other hacker movies...think action...HAHAHA i've SEEN this movie before...MULTIPLE TIMES even...i guess in the scheme of things, it's actually pretty popular...it's...

A: swordfish

[slide 5]

Q: later that evening. okay we're right at the beginning. so i should have no
problem missing the G-D title of this G-D movie. oh great, a sunrise or sunset opening shot. that narrows it down. hurry up movie...i gots to go make potty!!! oh no, 20th century fox presents....oh my crap i'm gonna miss it!!!....a david GREEN movie??? who the dick is that?!?!... argghhh...i can't take this, it feels like FOREVER - i need to go b-room nowwww!!! (relieves self, races back to idiot box). did i miss it??? tommy lee jones....okay....tommy lee jones in what...IN WHAT....nicolas cage.... WHAT? what the hell movie is THAT....tommy lee jones and nicolas cage in WHAT???!....sean young?!?! is that that chick who i always think is a dude and then just turns out to be a dudely chick??? from dr. jekyl and ms. hyde?...are those helicopters??? WHERE is the title??...great i missed it....I AM NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE MYSE---oh, there it is...WHAT? i've never heard of that crap. i'm going to bed.

A: fire birds

[slide 6]
CONCLUSION: let's take this road trip to the living room and go watch some tbs, cliff. what do you say???

{counts dolla-billz from money sack labeled "to the blogulator. love, ted"}

Has The Blogulator Jumped the Shark?

So I was about to sit down and write a post about my latest pop culture-referencing dream, in which Ruben Studdard and I got into an argument over something and I called him a dick face, when I realized that if I posted that dream in detail, my long, deeply ingrained fear of the Blogulator finally jumping the shark would have come true. Like The Fonz in his motorcycle jump over a pool of sharks, The Blogulator would have taken a turn toward the horrible. I mean, The Blogulator may stoop low in its targets (Seth Green, Nick Hexum, Tom Cruise), but once The Blogulator feels the need to dish it out to former American Idol contestants, you knowz The Blogulator is running out of steam.

Then, I realized that The Blogulator already has jumped the shark. Chris is off writing avant-poetry, I'm having dreams about Ruben Studdard, and the masses are getting antsy waiting around for the next Blogulator post that never comes. So, in honor of our own shark jump, and because we haven't done a list for a while, here is the official Top 10 Blogulator Shark Jumps of All Time:

R.E.M. -- Michael Stipe performs with Dashboard Confessional
John Cusack -- Identity
The O.C.

But THEN I realized that even doing a top ten list about the top ten shark jumps of all time would, in essence, be us jumping the shark as well. I mean, we'd be jumping the shark the same way that The Sopranos have jumped the shark ("Brokeback Mafia"? Really? Seriously? Now you're not even ripping off mafia movies anymore?), or how Charlie Sheen has jumped the shark (yes, Charlie Sheen calling Denise Richards a "dick face" constitutes a shark jump), or how Phillip Seymour Hoffman's movie career is like so totally over after being the villian in MI:3 (except that Chris reports to me that the movie is "fun"....dammit, that doesn't work.)

So then, I realized the only way to stop a shark jump is to introduce...our special guest blogger of the week...please welcome, Eddie Vedder!

uhh....thank you kindly, mr. qualler....you know, we're livin in strange times......kind of makes you wonder, whats going through bushleaguer's mind.......kinda like a world wide....suicide........sometimes i look at the waves, and it makes me stare right into the sun......hey, check out the avocado on the cover of our new album, it represents my feelings on greenpeace, corporations, and cheesy pink floyd album covers.......

...But I cut Mr. Vedder off right there when I realized, "Hey, Qualler, I still do have a special place in my heart for Pearl Jam, let's not get too carried away here hatin' on things you actually like!"

And then it hit me. What are Chris and I doing? Hating on things we like? Hating on things we hate? Hating on everything? It's like...all this hate...is going to drive us...off that...hey Chris, watch out for that cliff!!! (cliff....cliff......)

Will Chris and Qualler survive impending cliff? How will Chris cope when he comes to terms with his intense love for Tom Cruise cinema? What will Qualler think when he realizes that having a dream about Ruben Studdard is just plain creepy? Will this blog ever really blog again? Find out, on the next shark-jumping episode of Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator.