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Played Out: My Mega Man 9 Football Team

I'm feeling a bit quirky tonight - it might be the bacon I picked up off the sidewalk? As a result, I've decided that my video game rambling will take the form of fantasy football fan fiction, as told through the weapons of Mega Man 9. Sit down, son, and let me break it down to you. There are 11 different tools Mega Man can use in the game to trounce his opponents. There just so happen to be 11 players a side in American football as well. I am going to translate the weapons into a team and then we are going to state.

Two quick disclaimers:
1.As much as it hurts, I'm sticking to the formula throughout the post. So as beautiful as he is great of a player as he is, Tim Riggins isn't going to see any playing time. Sorry.

2. Eleven is also the number of players on a soccer team, and I hate to disappoint our European readership; however, it's already been done.

Alright then. Here we go. Clear eyes, robot heart, can't lose!

Quarterback - Mega Buster. Old reliable. This is your standard point-and-shoot gun, and it's as dependable as they come. Despite a constant carousel of role players, M. Buster is always ready to play, and he's the perfect leader to build a gameplan around.

Halfback - Rush Jet. This metal dog serves one purpose, and that is to deliver its cargo from point A to point B. Barry Sanders he is not, and fans looking for a jukefest might as well head down to their local bowling alley, but I guarantee you R. Jet is not going to stop until he reaches his destination. The endzone. On a football field.

Fullback - Jewel Satellite. The beautiful thing about having diamonds swirling around your body, is that they tend to protect you from most linebackers. Now if I just dip those jewels in Pupperoni and send J. Satellite on his way, I guarantee you Rush Jet is going to follow him through gaps only the hardest minerals on Earth can create for an inside run.

Center - Concrete Shot. This thing is just a block of building material that stays where you put it and keeps everything on the opposite side from getting through. By placing C. Shot in the middle, I'm forcing the defensive linemen to work around the sides, not only opening up the heart of the field, but also granting my guards and tackles the foreknowledge and flexibility they need to work the wings as well. (Trust me. That means something.)

Left Guard - Plug Ball. Are you really going to come at my quarterback through this sphere of concentrated electricity? I don't think so. P. Ball is going to fill whatever space he needs to with however many Joules of electricity we need to move the ball, period. I love the guy.

Left Tackle - Tornado Blow. Yeah, so even if those pansies find a way to douse my electricity, they're going to have to deal with my power to simply blow them off the screen at the press of a button. T. Blow is one of the most limited resources of the game, only capable of 4 natural disasters a game (or one per arcade quarter); so long as P. Ball does his job, though, that number should be more than enough.

Right Guard - Magma Bazooka. Pretty self-explanatory.

Right Tackle - Laser Trident. The right side of my line has been dubbed the "Strong of Fire and Ice" for a reason, and that reason is that magma relates to fire whereas the trident represents water, which would change form into ice given low enough temperatures. Hot and cold, baby! Ain't nobody touching M. Buster all day long, which is 23 hours 59 minutes 59 seconds more time than he needs to be awesome.

Tight End - Black Hole Bomb. I love the idea of sticking this guy out there and just having him suck up all the linebackers into an unexplored realm of nothingness. And if we throw the ball to B. Bomb, even though it would disappear into the same nothingness, I assume it would have to count as a catch, right?

Wide Receiver - Rush Coil. He's got the junkyard dogged determination of his half-back counterpart, plus he can jump out of his shoes. Er, I guess his shoes actually stay on the ground whilst the rest of his body springs up like some kind of Go-Go Gadget machination, but yeah. Another contemporary analogue would be those Tecmo Super Bowl receivers who could jump high and catch the ball. References can be fun.

Wide Receiver - Hornet Chaser. Float like a butterfly, sting like a hornet... which I hear in fact hurts more than a bee. Whereas R. Coil's just gonna jet down the field and go up for the ball, H. Chaser is gonna swarm the safeties, bothering them to the point that instead of swatting the pass, they'll simply be ducking their heads and swatting at their ears, pleading for the buzzing to stop as they run for their mommas screaming, "Where?! Where are those damned hornets coming from?!"

So there's my team. If you recently played Mega Man 9 and then watched Friday Night Lights, as I did tonight while eating sidewalk bacon, you might have enjoyed that. If not...

See you at state.

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  1. Blogger qualler | 1:29 PM |  

    All I know is Mega Man 9 Football Team would still try to beat the crap out of those players on that team that come by because of the tornado, amiright? Thems a bunch of pansies with no honor.

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