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Classic Episode Rundown: Salute Your Shorts, Episode 1-6; "Toilet Seat Basketball"

Three very important issues arose during my viewing of this sports-centric episode in which the camp holds a basketball tournament to determine who will be remembered as legends and whose picture ends up on the cafeteria wall on a toilet bowl labeled "LOSERS."

1. The America in which camp counselors can teach kids about the true competitive nature of a capitalist society by plastering their photos on old toilet bowls is likely over. There are lessons to be learned in losing, including the inefficiencies of selfish play versus teamwork, as Bobby Budnick and his diminishing candy stash could tell you. There are also lessons to be learned in cheating, including its effectiveness until confronted with moralizing do-gooders like Telly who refuse to steal the opposition's playbook. And there are also lessons to be learned in interior design, including the obvious charm of a toilet bowl on a campground cafeteria wall. We will never progress if every kid gets a ribbon, and only the truest douches who see through all this crap will succeed in business as adults, creating an even more total douche-ocracy than already exists.

2. The America in which roving black-and-white handycams makes sports look more awesome is likely over. Sports are always cooler when shot gonzo, without color, from the ground-up. I mean, how else are those color graffiti graphics plastered over your Ollie gonna make it look so sweet? Today's kids are raised on iCarly's top-down MySpace angles that oversaturate everything in false coolness that we '90s kids can totally see through. I dare you to try to look as extreme on your webcam as I did flying around in rollerblades with the wrong date at the bottom of the screen.


3. Booger culture is a shadow of its former greatness. Remember when mucus was so gross/hilarious/great that companies invested in video games like Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure and toys like plastic-head-filled-with-fake-snot Gooey Louie? I was reminded when Sponge got caught digging for gold at basketball practice and was called out for practicing his "pick-and-roll." Ha! Admittedly, I have no idea if today's children understand the appeal (I imagine it's human nature that they do), but it seems like lame adults have filled family movies more with dumb pop culture references and farts than our old, runny friend. Europe may now be the last bastion of snot, and that, citizens, is truly gross.



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Memorable Quotes

Dina - "For your information, nature is out this year. Neoprene is in."

Michael - "Why'd you just stand there?"
Z.Z. - "I was thinking how much I liked birds."

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  1. Blogger chris | 2:13 PM |  

    Did you see/hear the bird joke on SNL this weekend? Pretty good:

    Q: Why were the crows afraid of the scarecrow? (or something like that)

    A: Just CAWS!

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